As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen Quote

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen Quote

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen Quote

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen Quote

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Woody Allen Quote

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
- Woody Allen Quote

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
- Woody Allen Quote

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen Quote

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen Quote

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
- Woody Allen Quote

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen Quote

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
- Woody Allen Quote

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen Quote

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen Quote

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen Quote

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen Quote

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
- Woody Allen Quote

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
- Woody Allen Quote

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen Quote

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
- Woody Allen Quote

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Woody Allen Quote

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen Quote

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
- Woody Allen Quote

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen Quote

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
- Woody Allen Quote

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
- Woody Allen Quote

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen Quote

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
- Woody Allen Quote

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen Quote

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen Quote

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen Quote

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen Quote

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen Quote

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen Quote

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen Quote

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen Quote

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen Quote

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
- Woody Allen Quote

Marriage is the death of hope.
- Woody Allen Quote

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen Quote

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
- Woody Allen Quote

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen Quote

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen Quote

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
- Woody Allen Quote

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
- Woody Allen Quote

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
- Woody Allen Quote

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
- Woody Allen Quote

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
- Woody Allen Quote

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen Quote

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen Quote

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen Quote

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen Quote

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
- Woody Allen Quote

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen Quote

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
- Woody Allen Quote

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
- Woody Allen Quote

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
- Woody Allen Quote

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen Quote

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen Quote