Van Wilder: Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.

Van Wilder: But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.
Suicidal Freshman: I don't have a pen.
Van Wilder: Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.

[repeated line, after giving advice]
Van Wilder: Write that down.

Van Wilder: Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Van Wilder: The first day of spring semester. A time to say goodbye to the parents once again, and say hello to a few new student bodies.

Van Wilder: Don't be a fool, stay in school!

Van Wilder: What is wrong with people today?
Hutch: [taking a hit from a bong] It's the internet, it fries their brain cells.

Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.
Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.
Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school?
Assistant: For the better part of a decade.

Campus Cop: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to back away from Van's vehicle!

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Sweet Joesph, my son's a fairy.

Van Wilder: Take your clothes off.
Gwen: I'm not taking off my clothes.
Van Wilder: Well it is the naked mile run, everybody else is in their birthday suit.
[A hairy naked guy runs by.]
Van Wilder: Except that guy.

[After a stripper farts in their face.]
Van Wilder: Congratulations Taj, your first blow job!