At one point he decided enough was enough.
- Steven Wright Quote

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
- Steven Wright Quote

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright Quote

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- Steven Wright Quote

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- Steven Wright Quote

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
- Steven Wright Quote

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
- Steven Wright Quote

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- Steven Wright Quote

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
- Steven Wright Quote

How young can you die of old age?
- Steven Wright Quote

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright Quote

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Steven Wright Quote

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
- Steven Wright Quote

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- Steven Wright Quote

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright Quote

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
- Steven Wright Quote

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
- Steven Wright Quote

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- Steven Wright Quote

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
- Steven Wright Quote

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright Quote

I invented the cordless extension cord.
- Steven Wright Quote

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- Steven Wright Quote

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- Steven Wright Quote

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- Steven Wright Quote

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- Steven Wright Quote

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- Steven Wright Quote

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
- Steven Wright Quote

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- Steven Wright Quote

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
- Steven Wright Quote

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- Steven Wright Quote

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
- Steven Wright Quote

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
- Steven Wright Quote

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright Quote

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright Quote

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
- Steven Wright Quote

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- Steven Wright Quote

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
- Steven Wright Quote

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- Steven Wright Quote

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- Steven Wright Quote

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
- Steven Wright Quote

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
- Steven Wright Quote

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
- Steven Wright Quote

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
- Steven Wright Quote

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
- Steven Wright Quote

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
- Steven Wright Quote

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
- Steven Wright Quote

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
- Steven Wright Quote

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
- Steven Wright Quote

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
- Steven Wright Quote

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
- Steven Wright Quote

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- Steven Wright Quote

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
- Steven Wright Quote

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- Steven Wright Quote

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- Steven Wright Quote

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
- Steven Wright Quote

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
- Steven Wright Quote

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- Steven Wright Quote

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Steven Wright Quote

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- Steven Wright Quote

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
- Steven Wright Quote

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
- Steven Wright Quote

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- Steven Wright Quote

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright Quote

What's another word for Thesaurus?
- Steven Wright Quote

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
- Steven Wright Quote

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
- Steven Wright Quote

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Steven Wright Quote

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- Steven Wright Quote

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Steven Wright Quote