South Park Quotes

Stan: You know, somebody once said, “Don’t try to be a great man, just be a man.”
Jesus: Who said that?
Stan: You did, Jesus.
Jesus: You’re right, Stan. Thank you, boys!
Kyle: Wow, did he say that in the Bible?
Stan: Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.
-South Park, “Damien”, during the boxing match between Jesus and Satan 


Mr. Garrison: Well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement. 
Mr. Garrison: Well, I’m sorry, Wendy. But I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. 
-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut 

Yes! I am God of the sea people!
-Eric Cartman, South Park, "The Simpsons Already Did It" 

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass. Token: I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.
Cartman: Get as sick as you want, just give me a goddamn bass line!
Token: [Plays the bass expertly] Oh, goddammit. 
-South Park, "Christian Rock Hard" 

Stan: Jimmy, can you tell Wendy that she's a continous source of inspiration?
Jimmy [to Wendy]: Stan says that your a cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt...
Wendy: Well, tell Stan to FUCK OFF! [walks away]
Jimmy: ...a continuous s-source of inspiration. 
-South Park 

Stan: Right as Jesus was dying he raised his hand [Stan makes the Vulcan salute] and said, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
Randy: You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely right. Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book.
Stan: It ain't bad. You should try reading it some time.
Kyle: Dude, that was "Star Trek" again! "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"—that was Wrath of Khan!
Stan: Oh... Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?
-South Park, "Spontaneous Combustion" 

"I would never let a woman kick my @ss. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your b*tch @ss back in the kitchen and make me some pie!" -- Cartman

"Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew. What about them? You don't give a crap about them because they aren't on your side. People like you preach tolerance and openmindedness all the time but when it comes to middle America you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political alignment. Just because you're on TV doesn't mean you know crap about the government." -- Mr. Garrison yelling at Rosie O'Donnell

"Say "hi" to Sexual Harassment Panda!" -- Mr. Garrison
"Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda." -- The class
"Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda" -- Sexual Harassment Panda
"This is freaking me out, dude." -- Kyle [to Stan]
"And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law." -- Sexual Harassment Panda
"Awwww!" -- The class