Princess Fiona: By night one way, by day another This shall be the norm Until you find true love's first kiss Then ... take love's true form.

The Donkey: Hey, what about Shrek? He's ugly 24/7!

[Shrek repeatedly thanks the Donkey.]
The Donkey: Stop it, nobody likes a kiss-ass.

Donkey: You love this woman don't ya?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: Do you wanna hold her?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: Please her?
Shrek: Yes!
Donkey: Then ya gotta gotta try a little TENDERNESS!!!!!!!

Princess Fiona: There's something that I should've shown you earlier.
[turns into an ogre]
Shrek: Oh, *that* would explain a few things!

[Shrek bursts into Fionas and Farquads wedding]
Lord Farquad: Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?

Donkey: I've got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it!

The Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge!

[The dragon has eaten Lord Farquad and spits out his crown]
Donkey: Celebrity marriages; they never last, do they?

Shrek: Fiona?
[Stands up and looks at herself, then at Shrek]
Princess Fiona: But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
[They kiss and live happily ever after]

Gingerbread Man: God bless us, everyone!

Shrek: [reading a book in the outhouse] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had a fate bestowed upon her that could only be broken by true love's first kiss. She was locked in the highest room in the tallest tower, and was guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many knights tried to rescue her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. So she sat in her tower and waited for true love, and true love's first kiss.
[tears out a page and laughs]
Shrek: Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of...
[flushes toilet and comes out]

Princess Fiona: Wait! Where are you going?
Shrek: Well, I have to save my ass!

Gingerbread Man: OH NO!!!!!!!! NOT MY GUMDROP BUTTONS!!

Shrek: Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is?
[Donkey jump shouting]
Donkey: Me, Me , Me
Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him ?

Donkey: Where there is a will there is a way , and I have a way.
[Donkey whistles and the dragon appears in the sky]

Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"?

[whispering to the mob after roaring at them]
Shrek: This is the part where you run away.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet! I'm a real boy!
[nose grows]
Captain of Guards: Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away!

Donkey: You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

Donkey: Wow, that was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS!

Donkey: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man there were some gases eeking outta my butt that day!

Shrek: Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
The Donkey: Wow, only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Donkey: Whoa! Look at that! Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.

[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home]
Donkey: You, uh...you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, me too! That's another thing we have in common! I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey: ...Can I stay with you?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course!
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: NO!
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak....well maybe you do!

Donkey: This'll be fun. We'll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles!

[The seven dwarves have placed Snow White in the table]
Shrek: Oh, no no no no. Dead broad OFF the table!.

Little Pig: He hooffed unt he poooffed unt he . . . signed an eviction notice."

Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster!

Lord Farquaad: Tell me where are the others!
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
[spits]

Gingerbread Man: Alright! Do you know...the muffin man?
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingerbread Man: The muffin man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: She's married to the muffin man--
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?!?
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!!!

Lord Farquaad: Evening, mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king!

[about Snow White]
Magic Mirror: Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.

[While looking at Lord Faarquad's huge castle]
Shrek: Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

Puppets at the Information Center: [Singing] Welcome to Duloc Such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves Stay in line And we'll get along fine Duloc is a perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes Wipe your......................FACE! Duloc is, Duloc is Duloc is a perfect...place!
Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!

Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.

[Donkey keeps humming]
Shrek: Alright, you're going the right way for a smack bottom.

Lord Farquaad: Some of you may die, but its a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

[Shrek enters the tournament.]
Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous.
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice.
[looks at Donkey]
Shrek: It's just a donkey.

Shrek: Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.

Donkey: Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cos he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that about right?

Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No.
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: NO! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
[sighs]
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions.

[Shrek & Donkey are on their way to rescue Fiona, Donkey sniffs the air]
Donkey: Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that! My mouth was open and everything!
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. That's brimstone...we must be getting close
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone! I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.

Shrek: Sure it's big enough......but look at the location!

Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge, over a BOILING LAKE OF LAVA!

Donkey: I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too.

[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]
Donkey: Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down. Keep on moving, don't look down...
[A board under Donkey breaks, causing him to look down]
Donkey: Shrek, I'm looking down!

Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
Shrek: In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her.
Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

Shrek: Donkey, two things okay? Shut.....up!

Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: How do you know that?
Shrek: I read it in a book once.

Donkey: Don't mess wit' me! I'm the Stair Master! I've Mastered the Stairs! I wish I had a step right here, I could step here and here and here and step all over it!

[To the dragon]
Donkey: Oh, what large teeth you have! I mean white sparkly teeth, I know you probably hear this all the time from your food but you must bleach or something, 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there and do I detect a hint of minty freshness?

[To dragon]
Donkey: Why of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty...hey, what's the matter wit you, you got somethin' in your eye?

[Shrek rescues Fiona]
Princess Fiona: What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

Princess Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?!
Shrek: It's on my "to do" list. Now come on!
Princess Fiona: But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying--that's what all the other knights did.
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!

Princess Fiona: What kind of knight are you?
Shrek: One of a kind.

Donkey: Hi, princess!
Princess Fiona: It talks!
Shrek: Yeah, but it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

The Donkey: Alright, I hope you heard that? She called me a "noble steed." She thinks I'm a steed.

Princess Fiona: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no.
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: No, no, you wouldn't-- st.
Princess Fiona: But-- how will you kiss me?
Shrek: What? That wasn't in the job description!

Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.

[Looking at constellations]
The Donkey: Are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's Gabby the loud and annoying.
The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now, the big shiny one right there, right, right, that one there?
[Pause]
The Donkey: What about that big white one?
Shrek: That's the moon.

[Shrek, Donkey, and Fiona are in the forest. Shrek burps]
The Donkey: Shrek!
Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
The Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess.
[Fiona burps louder]
Princess Fiona: Thanks.
The Donkey: [to Shrek] She's as nasty as you are!

Shrek: Hold the phone!

Princess Fiona: Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case there's... (points) THERE'S AN ARROW IN YOUR BUTT!
Shrek: What?
[looks at arrow]
Shrek: Oh, would you look at that!

Donkey: Don't die, Shrek! And if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!

Donkey: [amidst bushes with blue flowers with red thorns] Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND!

[Donkey thinks he's dying]
The Donkey: Oh man! I can't feel my toes.
[Looks down and yelps]
The Donkey: I don't have any toes!
[Sits down]
The Donkey: I think I need a hug.