Enrico Pollini: I am getting goose pimples.

Enrico Pollini: It's a race!

Enrico Pollini: Am I to late ? Look I won a coin, a gold coin, isn't it wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?
Randy Pear: Yes! were in it.

[Bikers are hitting the car that Randy stole from the Barbie museum]
Randy Pear: Are you insane? This is Hitler's car.

[after losing the heart]
Enrico Pollini: I have lost my heart many times before.
[Laughs]
Enrico Pollini: I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are.

Tracy Faucet: Did I come at a bad time?

Donald Sinclair: I can do whatever I want. I'm eccentric. Grr!

Nick Schaffer: My grandfather used to say that good things take time, but great things happen all at once.

Duane Cody: It's true, you could break your neck. But it's a risk I'm willing to take.

[An airplane flies past the Cody brothers as they check their map]
Duane Cody: Where the hell is the airport?

Duane Cody: Come back here, stupid hardware guy!

Duane Cody: What do you mean that's it? I'm not giving up! And neither are you! And neither am I!

Enrico Pollini: Look! A drifter, let's kill him!

Kimberly Pear: Dad, I'm prairie dogging back here!
Randy Pear: Well, what the hell does that mean?
Jason Pear: You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.
Randy Pear: Oh.
[Five seconds later]
Randy Pear: Ohh, god, I do not wanna picture that!

Merrill: This is some kind of scam!
Vera Baker: Oh good, a scam!

Tracy Faucet: C'mon open it!
Nick Schaffer: You know Tracy, I really don't feel comfortable-
Tracy Faucet: [yelling] OPEN IT!!!!!
Nick Schaffer: [nervously] Ok!

[A hotel employee hands Nick Schaffer his bill.]
Nick Schaffer: Wait - what's this $150?
Employee: Oh, those are your in-room movies.
Nick Schaffer: Oh, I didn't watch any movies.
Employee: Let's see... "Afro Whores".
Nick Schaffer: "Afro Whores"?
Employee: It says you watched it... 11 times.
Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch that.
Employee: 2:00 "Afro Whores", 3:30 "Afro Whores", 5:00 "Afro Whores"... It says in the morning you watched "The Grinch" for ten minutes, then switched back to "Afro Whores".
Nick Schaffer: Look, I was at a bachelor party last night, there were like 35 people there, you can ask any of them... you have to take that off my record.
Employee: This isn't a record, sir.

Lucy Impersonator: How about a pit-stop?
Owen Templeton: Sorry, this is a one way flight. There's a bathroom in the back.
Lucy: The latch is broken. Anyone could just walk right in.
Owen Templeton: So? Look, you ain't got nothin' these other Lucys haven't seen before.
Lucy: [man's voice] Not necessarily.

Vicki: So, what can I do for you, Harry?
Harold Grisham: Okay... here's what I want. First... we both get naked.
Vicki: So far so good.
Harold Grisham: Except... we're both wearing sailor hats. Then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, I clip your toenails, and you shave my buttocks.
Vicki: What's that?
Harold Grisham: Naked... jacuzzi... Pepto-Bismol... toenails... shave my buttocks.
Vicki: Well, you have quite an imagination, Harry.

Donald Sinclair: Go!

Enrico Pollini: Look at us go! We're zooming!
Zack Mallozzi: I told you! We're hauling ass!
Enrico Pollini: We're hauling ass! Alrighty!
Zack Mallozzi: Guess what I got back there.
Enrico Pollini: You just told me. Ass! We're hauling ass!

Bev Pear: Your daughter has to go to the bathroom!
Randy Pear: Alright, alright, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar.
Bev Pear: A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.
Randy Pear: Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.

[After Sinclair has told them repeatedly to "go", to no avail]
Merrill: So, when you say "go", you mean, just go?
Donald Sinclair: Uh, being, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is in the lead because he's nearest to the door.

Enrico Pollini: I am Enrico Pollini. Now, I know what you are thinking... Enrico is a girl's name.
Owen Templeton: No I wasn't.
Enrico Pollini: No pun intended.
Owen Templeton: What pun was that?

Tracy Faucet: So what's wrong with her?
Nick Schaffer: Who?
Tracy Faucet: Your sister. You said it was serious.
Nick Schaffer: Oh yeah.... shark bite.
Tracy Faucet: Shark bite?
Nick Schaffer: Yeah.
Tracy Faucet: And they took her to Silver City?
Nick Schaffer: Yeah, they have a really good shark bite unit there.

Duane Cody: One of us has to be the victim, one of us has to be the witness. What kind of a witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying.

Vera Baker: We're not crazy. We should've bought a squirrel, but we didn't buy a squirrel.
Merrill: Which is why we stole the rocket car.

The Squirrel Lady: They should have bought a squirrel.

Randy Pear: Jason, put that away, you can't play that.
Jason Pear: Why not?
Randy Pear: Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
Jason Pear: You're driving his car!
Randy Pear: Yeah, but I'm not putting my mouth on it. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!