Lt. Mauser: Any day now, Mahoney, and your little ass is mine.
Mahoney: You wanted to see me, sir?
Lt. Mauser: Mahoney, didn't your mother teach you how to knock?
Mahoney: It depends. Sir? I hope this isn't going to be too personal? I heard what you said about my little butt and I don't know how to break this to you, sir, but I'm straight.

Lt. Mauser: You're not playing with a full deck, are you?
Sergeant Proctor: Oh, I don't play cards.

Lt. Mauser: That is all. Thanks for your time.
Officer Hooks: What about me, sir? Don't I get a car?
Lt. Mauser: [imitating Hooks] "Oh, what about me sir? Don't I get a car?" No, you don't get a car. You get a nice little chair and a nice little desk and a nice little office for your nice little voice!
Officer Hooks: Asshole!
Lt. Mauser: That's two!

Sergeant Proctor: Hightower!
Officer Moses Hightower: Yo!
Lt. Mauser: Yo?
Officer Moses Hightower: Yo, sir!
Lt. Mauser: Yo, sir... You must be from the south! That's "Yes, sir." You got foot patrol.

Chief Hurst: It's official, Captain Lassard. This is now the worst precinct in the entire city! Burglary up 25%, armed robbery up 30%, vandalism up 44%.
Lt. Mauser: Actually, Chief, if you'd look, burglary is actually up 48%.
Chief Hurst: Thank you. Who are you?
Lt. Mauser: Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam.
Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard: Oh, shut up and sit down, Mauser. He asked for your name, not your biography.
Lt. Mauser: E-R, sir.