A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller Quote

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- Phyllis Diller Quote

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
- Phyllis Diller Quote

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller Quote

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
- Phyllis Diller Quote