Drew: I'm thinking about taking that new chick from Logistics. If things go right I might be showing her my O-face. You know: Oh! Oh!

Bob Slydell: I'll be honest with you, I love his music, I do, I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman"!

Tom Smykowski: It's a "Jump to Conclusions Mat"! You see, you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO!
Michael Bolton: That is the worst idea I've ever heard!
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea!

Samir: This is a fuck!

Bob Slydell: Would you bare with me for just a second here.
Peter Gibbons: OK.
Bob Slydell: What if, and believe me this is "hypothetical." But what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both you guys.
Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.
Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, alright, I hope your firings go really, really well.
Bob Porter: Excellent.
Bob Slydell: Great...Wow.

Bob Slydell: Wha-What would you say you do here?

[Peter, Michael, and Samir around copier]
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

[Staring at the constantly malfunctioning office printer.]
Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?!

Michael Bolton: That question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.

Joanna: How dare you judge me? Look at you! You're just some penny-stealing...criminal...man.
Peter Gibbons: Well that may be, but at least I never slept with Lumbergh!

Peter Gibbons: [Talking about plan to steal from Initech] We have to promise right now we don't tell anybody about this, no friends, no family members, no one but us.
Samir, Michael Bolton: Agreed
Lawrence: [From the next apartment through wall] Don't worry man I won't tell anyone either.
Michael Bolton: What the fuck is that.
Peter Gibbons: Don't worry he's cool.

Lawrence: Hey Peter, check it out, channel 9, it's the breast exams!

Samir: No! Not again! Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam! I swear to God one of these days I'm just going to kick this piece of shit out of the window.

Peter Gibbons: He's going to ask me to work on Sunday and I'm going to do it, because I'm a pussy, which is why I work at Initech in the first place.
Michael Bolton: Hey, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy.
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: What about you, what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit.

Samir: No one is this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Nayee-Nanajar. Nayeenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least you're name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There WAS nothing wrong with it. Until I was about 12 years old, and that no-talent-ass-clown BECAME famous and started winning Grammy's.
Samir: Why don't you just go by Mike, instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change it? He's the one who sucks.

Peter Gibbons: I don't like my job and I don't think I'll go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know. But I really don't like it and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Uh-uh. Not really. I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: So you're going to get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'll like another job.
Joanna: Well what are you going to do about money? Bills?
Peter Gibbons: You know I never really liked paying bills, I don't think I'm going to do that either.

Bob Slydell: If you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door--that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh--after that I sorta space out for an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

Bob Slydell: I'd like to move us right to Peter Gibbons. We had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.

Steve: Hi, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.

Michael Bolton: We're not going to some white collar resort prison. No, no, no! We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison!

Peter Gibbons: Hey Lawrence, you wanna come over?
Lawrence: No thanks, dude. I don't need you fuckin' up my life, too.

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up!

Bob Slydell: Looks like you've been missing quite a bit of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't say I've been MISSING it, Bob.

Bob Slydell: Milton Waddams.
Bill Lumbergh: Who's he?
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went a ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So um, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end.

Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No! No, of course not! We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

Peter Gibbons: It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone)] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and its not okay because if they take my stapler then ill set the building on fire.

Peggy: Now Milton, dont be greedy, lets pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: yea but last time i didnt recieve a piece.
Peggy: Just pass.
[the cake passes and everybody but Milton gets a piece]
Milton Waddams: [whispering] I could set the building on fire.

Milton Waddams: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler.

Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt on the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...
Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.
[Under his breath]
Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.
Milton Waddams: [As the waiter walks away] And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this place down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your nation's board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt!