A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
- Mitch Hedberg Quote

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
- Mitch Hedberg Quote