Irene P. Waters: You think you could get Charlie back out here?
Hank Evans: No problem. While I'm at it why don't you climb that telephone pole and take a big steamy piss on those power lines? Look I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna need total unitinoniminininininity.

Charlie Baileygates: Now you know the house rules, no bitches after eleven.

Charlie Baileygates: Do you people take checks?
Limo Driver: Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man?
Charlie Baileygates: No, I mean your company.
Limo Driver: Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur!

Lieutenant Gerke: The guy's nuttier than a squirrel turd!

Chris Rock: Toss my salad, fool, what's that? Well having your salad tossed, means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or surf. I prefer surf.
Charlie Baileygates: He's a funny motherfucker.

Jamaal: Our daddy may have Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!
Hank Evans: [singing to a heavy metal song] MOTHERFUCKER ROBOT!!!! MOTHERFUCKER ROBOT!!! MO-MO-MO-MO-MO-MO-MO-MO-MO!!
[Sees Irene with a lawn dart at the ready]
Hank Evans: Whoa, whoa, whoa,
[turns off radio]
Hank Evans: what's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'.

Hank Evans: Vagiclean," huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?
Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.
[grabs microphone]
Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

[When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground.]
Hank Evans: Well fuck my ozone.

Hank Evans: Hey, Ringworm! Yeah I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick up that butt or do I have to glue it to my shoe and stick it up your big pimply a-hole.

Lee Harvey: Hey, Jamaal, just cut my man some slack.
Jamaal: Look I'm just trying to help him save face, okay? If he keep asking questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he stupid.
Charlie Baileygates: Hey, morning boys. What's all the commotion?
Jamaal: Just school shit and shit.

Shonte Jr.: Okay so I add up the atomic masses of the proton and neutron, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddam electron? Can I bring it over here?
Jamaal: Enrico Fermi would roll over in his motherfucking grave if he heard that stupid shit.

Shonte Jr.: Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deutron!
Jamaal: Shit, that's simple. Tell me this-what's a deutron made of?
Shonte Jr.: A proton and a neutron.
Jamaal: Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doing over here? Get it the fuck outta here!

Charlie Baileygates: I never said anything remotely racist!
Limo Driver: Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than?!
Charlie Baileygates: No!
Limo Driver: You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie! I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity!
[Limo Driver chases Charlie]
Charlie Baileygates: Hey, cut it! Stop it now, Sir!!
Limo Driver: Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap!

Jamaal: Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?
Lee Harvey: 4.08 centimeters.
Jamaal: No what's that in inches?
Lee Harvey: 1.61, what the fuck you gettin' at?
Jamaal: I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking.
Shonte Jr.: You can't put no chicken egg up his ass, Man, look at him, he a tightass.
Jamaal: No, it can be done.
Lee Harvey: I'll take that bet.

Officer Stubie: I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up!

[In a police helicopter on the ground]
Shonte Jr.: Anybody know how to fly this damn thing?
Jamaal: Motherfucker, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation.
Lee Harvey: Yeah, man, get your head out your ass.
Shonte Jr.: It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole.
Jamaal: Motherfucker, you speak German don't you?
Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good.

Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit.
Irene P. Waters: That's sweet.
Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better.
Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too.
Hank Evans: Do you swallow?

[Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station.]
Irene P. Waters: What are those for?
Charlie Baileygates: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
Irene P. Waters: What's it called?
Charlie Baileygates: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Irene P. Waters: Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies."
Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
Irene P. Waters: I was talking about the shovel and the lime.

Charlie Baileygates: Will you stay with me, no matter what?
Layla: Of course, Charlie.
Charlie Baileygates: Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me?
Layla: Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens.

[Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver]
Charlie Baileygates: But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
Limo Driver: She'll be eating blubber alright, just as soon as I free "Willy."

Lee Harvey: Is your old lady happy?
Lieutenant Gerke: Is my old lady happy?
Lee Harvey: Yeah, because if your fuckin' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound pussy.

Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?
Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over.
Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.

Guy on Street: Hey, did you hear, Charlie? My son got the lead in that musical.
Charlie: Oh yeah? I guess he really does like the cock.

Lee Harvey: He's so stupid he thinks Calculus is a God damn emperor!
Shonte Jr.: Yeah well you think Polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste!

Hank Evans: The name's Hank, fuck face, learn it!

[Dunking little girl in fountain]
Charlie: You had enough, fuckface?
Little Girl: "I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!!
Charlie: Wrong answer. And the names Hank.

[After escaping Lieutenant Gerke]
Irene P. Waters: Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid!
Hank Evans: Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself.

Colonel Partington: Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?
Charlie Baileygates: Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flue!...

Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker! That Vince Foster was murdered!
Lee Harvey: Would you quit hacking into them Pentagon files. Never mind who that horny-assed President be killing. Just do your studying.

Shonte Jr.: Man how the hell can they call Pluto a planet? No motherfucking planet has an elliptical orbit. This shit don't make no sense.

Hank Evans: Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip.

Guy on Street: Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical.
Hank Evans: Well I guess he likes the cock after all.

[A kid with glasses stares mindlessly at Charlie, who then transforms into Hank]
Hank Evans: What are you staring at, fuckface?
Father: What is your problem?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the boy.

[location: inside an airplane]
Shonte Jr.: It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight.
Jamaal: It's gonna be raining my motherfucking cookies if you don't cut out this turbulance shit!

[Whitey and Charlie are laying in bed in a hotel room together]
Charlie Baileygates: So, Whitey, what happened to your family?
Whitey: I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. Fucked up law huh?

[After Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop.]
Hank Evans: There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out.
[Puts ticket on the winshield.]

Officer Stubie: Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?

Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel low.
Charlie Baileygates: [referring to his pills] No. But it can give you unbelievable cotton-mouth.
Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride.