Dina Byrnes: I had no idea you could milk a cat.
Greg Focker: Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes: I have nipples Greg. Could you milk me?

Greg Focker: Sorry, folks. Had to pay a little visit to the urinal fairy.

Jack Byrnes: All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what 13 months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.


Jack: Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids...and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience-- it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain...that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?
Greg: Sure, I think so.
Jack: No, the answer is you cannot.

Jack: Oh, geez, I just realized something.
Dina: What?
Jack: Pam's middle name. Martha.
Dina: Oh, no.
Jack and Dina: Pamela Martha Focker.

Bob: Oh, my God! What's that smell?
Jack: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den, so the septic tank is overflowing.
Greg: Jack, I told you. It wasn't me. It was Jinx.
Jack: Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat, for chrissakes! The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.