A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
- Mark Twain Quote
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
- Mark Twain Quote
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain Quote
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
- Mark Twain Quote
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
- Mark Twain Quote
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
- Mark Twain Quote
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
- Mark Twain Quote
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- Mark Twain Quote
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
- Mark Twain Quote
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
- Mark Twain Quote
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain Quote
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
- Mark Twain Quote
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
- Mark Twain Quote
As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.
- Mark Twain Quote
Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.
- Mark Twain Quote
Better a broken promise than none at all.
- Mark Twain Quote
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
- Mark Twain Quote
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
- Mark Twain Quote
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
- Mark Twain Quote
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
- Mark Twain Quote
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
- Mark Twain Quote
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
- Mark Twain Quote
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
- Mark Twain Quote
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
- Mark Twain Quote
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain Quote
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain Quote
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain Quote
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
- Mark Twain Quote
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
- Mark Twain Quote
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
- Mark Twain Quote
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
- Mark Twain Quote
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
- Mark Twain Quote
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
- Mark Twain Quote
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain Quote
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
- Mark Twain Quote
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
- Mark Twain Quote
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
- Mark Twain Quote
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Mark Twain Quote
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain Quote
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
- Mark Twain Quote
Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
- Mark Twain Quote
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
- Mark Twain Quote
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
- Mark Twain Quote
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
- Mark Twain Quote
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain Quote
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
- Mark Twain Quote
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain Quote
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
- Mark Twain Quote
I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
- Mark Twain Quote
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
- Mark Twain Quote
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
- Mark Twain Quote
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
- Mark Twain Quote
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
- Mark Twain Quote
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
- Mark Twain Quote
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
- Mark Twain Quote
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Mark Twain Quote
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
- Mark Twain Quote
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain Quote
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain Quote
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress.
- Mark Twain Quote
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
- Mark Twain Quote
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
- Mark Twain Quote
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
- Mark Twain Quote
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
- Mark Twain Quote
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
- Mark Twain Quote
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
- Mark Twain Quote
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
- Mark Twain Quote
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
- Mark Twain Quote
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain Quote
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
- Mark Twain Quote
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
- Mark Twain Quote
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
- Mark Twain Quote
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
- Mark Twain Quote
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
- Mark Twain Quote
Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
- Mark Twain Quote
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
- Mark Twain Quote
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
- Mark Twain Quote
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
- Mark Twain Quote
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
- Mark Twain Quote
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
- Mark Twain Quote
Never put off till to-morrow what you can do day after to-morrow just as well.
- Mark Twain Quote
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
- Mark Twain Quote
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
- Mark Twain Quote
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
- Mark Twain Quote
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
- Mark Twain Quote
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
- Mark Twain Quote
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
- Mark Twain Quote
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
- Mark Twain Quote
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain Quote
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
- Mark Twain Quote
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain Quote
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
- Mark Twain Quote
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
- Mark Twain Quote
Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
- Mark Twain Quote
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
- Mark Twain Quote
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
- Mark Twain Quote
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
- Mark Twain Quote
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
- Mark Twain Quote
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
- Mark Twain Quote
The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.
- Mark Twain Quote
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
- Mark Twain Quote
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- Mark Twain Quote
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain Quote
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
- Mark Twain Quote
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
- Mark Twain Quote
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
- Mark Twain Quote
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
- Mark Twain Quote
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
- Mark Twain Quote
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
- Mark Twain Quote
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
- Mark Twain Quote
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
- Mark Twain Quote
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
- Mark Twain Quote
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
- Mark Twain Quote
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
- Mark Twain Quote
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
- Mark Twain Quote
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
- Mark Twain Quote
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
- Mark Twain Quote
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
- Mark Twain Quote
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
- Mark Twain Quote
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
- Mark Twain Quote
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
- Mark Twain Quote
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work.
- Mark Twain Quote
To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
- Mark Twain Quote
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
- Mark Twain Quote
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
- Mark Twain Quote
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
- Mark Twain Quote
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
- Mark Twain Quote
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
- Mark Twain Quote
We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.
- Mark Twain Quote
We are all alike, on the inside.
- Mark Twain Quote
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
- Mark Twain Quote
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
- Mark Twain Quote
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
- Mark Twain Quote
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
- Mark Twain Quote
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
- Mark Twain Quote
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
- Mark Twain Quote
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
- Mark Twain Quote
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain Quote
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain Quote
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain Quote
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
- Mark Twain Quote
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
- Mark Twain Quote
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
- Mark Twain Quote
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
- Mark Twain Quote
