Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
- Johnny Carson Quote

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
- Johnny Carson Quote

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
- Johnny Carson Quote

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
- Johnny Carson Quote

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
- Johnny Carson Quote

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
- Johnny Carson Quote

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson Quote

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- Johnny Carson Quote

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
- Johnny Carson Quote

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
- Johnny Carson Quote

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
- Johnny Carson Quote

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
- Johnny Carson Quote

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"
- Johnny Carson Quote

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
- Johnny Carson Quote

We're more effective than birth control pills.
- Johnny Carson Quote