Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
- Jay Leno Quote

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
- Jay Leno Quote

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno Quote

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
- Jay Leno Quote

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
- Jay Leno Quote

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno Quote

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
- Jay Leno Quote

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
- Jay Leno Quote

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
- Jay Leno Quote

Politics is just show business for ugly people.
- Jay Leno Quote

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
- Jay Leno Quote

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
- Jay Leno Quote

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
- Jay Leno Quote

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
- Jay Leno Quote

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
- Jay Leno Quote

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
- Jay Leno Quote

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
- Jay Leno Quote

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
- Jay Leno Quote

You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch.
- Jay Leno Quote