Igby: I'm drowning in assholes.

Sookie: How's your brother doing these days?
Igby: I don't have a brother, I'm an only child.
Sookie: Oliver was your brother I thought.
Igby: He is, and yet...
Sookie: And yet what?
Igby: Well I was about to say that we were both raised only children, but that sounds like something you would say.
Sookie: That's funny.

Rachel: So are you two in school or something?
Oliver: I'm at Columbia and as far as this year's challenge for Igby, we're still waiting to hear back from this fun parochial school in D.C.
Igby: "Perchance to dream."
Oliver: He's already done the Protestant circuit. Mom must have some compromising photos of the head priest with an altar boy for them to even be considering Igby.

Igby: I love the fact that the captain of the morality team invites his chick to the same party as his wife, who let's face it, isn't the sharpest tool in the shed anymore. And what's more, none of their supposed mutual friends protects her. None of them bats a fucking eyelash at his hypocrisy. I love that, I really do. Embrace your moral hypocrisy, D.H., go for it!

Sookie: What kind of name is 'Igby'?
Igby: The kind of name that someone named 'Sookie' is in no position to question.

Igby: Good things come to obsessive-compulsives who fixate.

D.H. Banes: I believe, umm, that certain people in life are meant to fall by the wayside; to serve as warnings to the rest of us; signs posts along the way.
Igby: To where?
D.H. Banes: Success.
Oliver: Our father would be a 'slippery when schizophrenic' sign, for instance...
[pause]
Oliver: ...along the highway of life.

Igby: She's a dancer who doesn't dance. He's a painter who doesn't paint. It's like the Soho version of Island of the Lost Toys.

[On her deathbed]
Mimi: You did figure out DH is your father, didn't you?
Igby: No.
Mimi: Well, I'm glad I told you, then.

Igby: Oliver is majoring in neo-fascism at Columbia.
Oliver: Economics.
Igby: Semantics.

Igby: How many Vasser professors and intellectual theologians beget nymphomanaical, pseudo-Bohemian JAPs?

Russell: Anne Frank! Anne Frank! The soldiers are gone. Come out and play.

Igby: Instead of saying someone or something is funny, why don't you just laugh?
Sookie: [laughs] Is that better?
Igby: Much.

[talking about Oliver]
Russell: He left you a ticket.
Igby: Excellent.
Russell: It's nonrefundable. He wanted me to tell you that.
Igby: Dick.

Igby: It's ironic that the first time in my life that I feel remotely affectionate for her, is when she's dead.
Oliver: You beat up her corpse!
Igby: I know, but after that.

Oliver: [on Igby] I think if Gandhi had to spend a prolonged amount of time with you, he'd end up beating the shit out of you, too.

Sookie: You call your mother "Mimi"?
Igby: "Heinous One" is a bit cumbersome.

D.H. Banes: Mimi! GET OFF THE MAID!!

[to the priest]
Igby: If heaven is such a wonderful place then how come being crucified is such a big fucking sacrifice?

Rachel: How you doin'?
Igby: Good.
D.H. Banes: Igby, Igby...how you doin'? Well. You're doing "well". How's the work coming along there, stud?
Igby: Uh...well?

Bunny: Igby, I could just eat you with a spoon!
Igby: Don't.

Sookie: You have a huge crush on me, don't you?
Igby: Fuck off.

Sookie: Why aren't you in school now?
Igby: Sheer ingenuity.
Sookie: You're funny.

Sookie: You know what I think when I'm this close to another body? I think one day at one moment...this body that I'm holding in my arms will stop breathing...stop living. Just...stop. One day you'll happen upon my name in the obits and you'll remember this moment when we were so close.
Igby: You're a real fuckin' upper.

Sookie: He's your brother, you act like you hate him.
Igby: I do! I do hate him. He's totally hateable! Evil niblet fuck.