A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
- Groucho Marx Quote

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx Quote

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx Quote

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- Groucho Marx Quote

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
- Groucho Marx Quote

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
- Groucho Marx Quote

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
- Groucho Marx Quote

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Groucho Marx Quote

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx Quote

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
- Groucho Marx Quote

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
- Groucho Marx Quote

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Groucho Marx Quote

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- Groucho Marx Quote

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
- Groucho Marx Quote

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
- Groucho Marx Quote

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
- Groucho Marx Quote