Chuckie: Morgan, I'm not going to Kelly's just because you like the take out girl. It's fifteen minutes out of our way.
Morgan: What the fuck are we gonna do that we can't spare fifteen minutes.

Will: Do you find it hard to hide the fact that you're gay?
Henry Lipkin, Psychologist: [Stammers] What are... talking...about...What?!?
Will: Look buddy, a few seconds ago you were ready to give me a jump!
Henry Lipkin, Psychologist: A jump?!? I...I'm terribly sorry...I....
Will: Hey, I don't have a problem with it. I don't care if you putt from the rough!

Sean: My wife used to fart when she was nervous

Henry Lipkin, Psychologist: Now no more shenanigans, no more tomfoolery, no more ballyhoo.

Will: I'm pumped! Let the healing begin!

Will: What's with everyone saying that I owe it to myself?
Chuckie: No.. fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me cause tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll be 50 and still be doing this shit, and that's alright but you on the other hand, you have something none of us have cause hanging around here is just a fucking waste of your time cause I'd do anything to have what you got, so will the rest of these fucking guys and it will be an insult to watch if you're still here in 20 years!!

Sean: Do you have a soul mate?
Will: Define that?
Sean: Someone you can relate to, someone who opens things up for you.
Will: Yeah, Chuckie
Sean: Chuckie's family would lie down in fucking traffic for you.

Will: What is this, a Taster's Choice moment between guys??

Sean: I knew you long before you ever became a mathematical god, I knew you when you were pimple faced and homesick and didn't know what side of the bed to piss on!!
Lambeau: Yeah, yeah, you were smarter then me then and you're smarter then me now!!!

Morgan: Double Burger,
[singing]
Morgan: Chuck, I had a double burger!!!
Chuckie: Will you shut the fuck up, I know what you ordered, I was there
Morgan: So give me my fucking sandwich.
Chuckie: What do you mean your sandwich, I bought it, hey Morgan how much money you got on you?
Morgan: I said I'd give you the change when we ordered the Sno-Cones when we pulled up, so why don't you give me my sandwich and stop being a prick.
Chuckie: Well why don't you give me your fucking sixteen cents you got on you and we'll put your sandwich on layaway, there you go, keep it right up here for you, We'll put you on a program, everyday you bring your six cents and at the end of the week you'll have your sandwich
Morgan: Why do you have to be such an asshole??
Chuckie: What am I?, sandwich welfare???, I think you should establish a good line of credit, like how you got your couch, payment plans, remember how your mother brought in $10 for a year and she finally got her couch Renaissance style???
Morgan: Can I have my food now please??
Chuckie: [throws the burger at Morgan] Here's your fucking double burger!!!

Sean: [to Prof. Lambeau] It's not about that, you mathematical dick! It's about the boy! I'm not gonna let you fuck up his life like your trying to fuck up mine!

Skylar: I know what you're think about.
Will: What am I thinking about?
Skylar: You're hoping to get a good night kiss.
Will: Actually I was hoping more for a good night lay.
Skylar: [Laughs] That's very noble of you.

Sean: Do you have a soul mate?
Will: Define that.
Sean: Someone you can relate to, someone who opens things up for you.
Will: Sure, I got plenty.
Sean: Well, name them.
Will: Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Conner...
Sean: Well that's great. They're all dead.
Will: Not to me, they're not.
Sean: You can't have a lot of dialogue with them.
Will: Not without a heater and some serious smelling salts.

Will: I read your book last night.
Sean: So you're the one.

Skylar: My father died when I was thirteen and I inherited this money. Did you ever think that everyday I wake up, that I wish I could give it back, that I would give it back in a second, if it meant I could have one more day with him? But I can't. And that's my life and I deal with it.

Skylar: What if I said I wouldn't have sex with you again till I got to meet your friends, what would you say?
Will: It's four-thirty, they're probably still awake.

Sean: Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.

Chuckie: I didn't get on Cathy last night.
Will: No?
Chuckie: Nah.
Will: Why not?
Chuckie: I don't know.
[yells across room]
Chuckie: Cathy!
Cathy: What?
Chuckie: Why didn't you give me none of that nasty little hoochie-woochie you usually throw at me?
Cathy: Oh, fuck you and your Irish curse, Chuckie. Like I'd waste my energy spreading my legs for that Tootsie Roll dick? So go home and give it a tug yourself.

Will: Do you like apples?
Clark: Yeah.
Will: Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?

Billy: You're legally allowed to drink now so we figured the best thing for you was a car.

Morgan: My boy's wicked smart.

Sean: My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. He'd come home hammered, lookin' to whale on somebody. So, I had to provoke him so he wouldn't go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings.

Sean: Twenty years of counseling. Yeah, I've seen some pretty awful shit.

Chuckie: Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way. In twenty years, if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house to watch the Patriots games, still workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill you. That's not a threat. Now, that's a fact. I'll fuckin' kill you.

Sean: So what do you really want to do?
Will: I wanna be a shepherd.
Sean: Really.
Will: I wanna move up to Nashua, get a nice little spread, get some sheep and tend to them.
Sean: Maybe you should go do that.

Skylar: I can be in the NBA. I'm tall, I like to wear shorts. I'm all about three points. Hook! Hook!

Sean: If you ever disrespect my wife again, I will end you. I will fucking end you. You got that, chief?
Will: Time's up.

Sean: Nail them while they're vulnerable, that's my motto.

Sean: See you Monday. We'll be talking about Freud and why he did enough cocaine to kill a small horse.

Skylar: You were hoping for a goodnight kiss.
Will: No, you know. I'll tell ya, I was hoping for a goodnight lay, but I'll settle for like a kiss.
Skylar: How very noble of you.
Will: Thank you.

Chuckie: So this is a Harvard bar, huh? I thought there'd be equations and shit on the wall.

Morgan: Man, I can't believe you brought Skylar here when we're all drunk. What is she gonna think about us?
Will: Yeah, Morgan, it's a real rarity that we'd be out drinking.

Sean: My dad used to make us walk down to the park and collect the sticks he was going to beat us with. Actually the worst of the beatings were between me and my brother. We would practice on each other, trying to find sticks that would break.
Will: He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose."
Sean: Gotta go with the belt, there.
Will: I used to go with the wrench.
Sean: The wrench, why?
Will: 'Cause fuck him, that's why.

Skylar: Maybe we could go out for coffee sometime?
Will: Great, or maybe we could go somewhere and just eat a bunch of caramels.
Skylar: What?
Will: When you think about it, it's just as arbitrary as drinking coffee.
Skylar: [laughs] Okay, sounds good.

Skylar: Men are shameless. If you're not thinking with your weiner then you're acting directly on its behalf.

Will: Do you buy all these books retail or do you send away for, like, a shrink kit that comes with all these volumes included?

Chuckie: You're sitting on a winning lottery ticket and you're too big of a pussy to cash it in.

Sean: The reason he hangs around with those "gorillas," as you called them, is because anyone of those "gorillas" would take a baseball bat to your head anyday. It's called loyalty.

Sean: If you're gonna jerk off, why don't you just do it at home with a moist towel?

Will: Do you play the piano?
Skylar: A bit.
Will: Okay, when you look at a piano you see Mozart, right?
Skylar: I see "Chopsticks."

Will: Does this violate the doctor-patient relationship?
Sean: Not unless you grab my ass.

Will: You wasted $150,000 on an education you coulda got for a buck fifty in late charges at the public library.

Lambeau: Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

Will: Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

Sean: She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.

Chuckie: Wait, Bill. Hold it. Did you hear that?
[Man moans upstairs]
Chuckie: Morgan! If you're watching pornos in my mom's room again, I'm gonna give you a fucking beating!!
[Morgan runs downstairs]
Morgan: What's up fellas?
Billy: Morgan, why don't you jerk off in your own fucking house. Man, that's fucking filthy.
Morgan: I ain't got a VCR in my house.
Chuckie: Aw, c'mon, not on my glove.
Morgan: I didn't use the glove.
Chuckie: That's my Little League glove.
Morgan: What do you want me to do?
Chuckie: I mean, what's wrong with you? You'll hump a baseball glove?
Morgan: I was just using it for clean-up.
Chuckie: Stop jerking off in my mother's room!
Morgan: Ain't there another VCR in the house?!
Chuckie: It's just sad bro.

Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

[ordering drinks]
Lambeau: Perrier.
Sean: That's French for "club soda."