At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- George Carlin Quote

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- George Carlin Quote

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
- George Carlin Quote

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- George Carlin Quote

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- George Carlin Quote

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- George Carlin Quote

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin Quote

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
- George Carlin Quote

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
- George Carlin Quote

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin Quote

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
- George Carlin Quote

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- George Carlin Quote

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
- George Carlin Quote

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- George Carlin Quote

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
- George Carlin Quote

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- George Carlin Quote

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- George Carlin Quote

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
- George Carlin Quote

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
- George Carlin Quote

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- George Carlin Quote

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
- George Carlin Quote

Religion is just mind control.
- George Carlin Quote

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
- George Carlin Quote

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin Quote

The status quo sucks.
- George Carlin Quote

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- George Carlin Quote

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin Quote

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- George Carlin Quote

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
- George Carlin Quote

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
- George Carlin Quote

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
- George Carlin Quote

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
- George Carlin Quote