Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- George Burns Quote

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
- George Burns Quote

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
- George Burns Quote

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
- George Burns Quote

How can I die? I'm booked.
- George Burns Quote

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- George Burns Quote

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
- George Burns Quote

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
- George Burns Quote

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
- George Burns Quote

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
- George Burns Quote

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
- George Burns Quote

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
- George Burns Quote

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
- George Burns Quote

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
- George Burns Quote

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- George Burns Quote

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.
- George Burns Quote

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns Quote

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns Quote

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
- George Burns Quote

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns Quote

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
- George Burns Quote

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
- George Burns Quote