All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote

You're only has good as your last haircut.
- Fran Lebowitz Quote