A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Children make your life important.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
God created man, but I could do better.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
- Erma Bombeck Quote
