A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips Quote

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
- Emo Philips Quote

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
- Emo Philips Quote

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips Quote

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
- Emo Philips Quote

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
- Emo Philips Quote

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
- Emo Philips Quote

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- Emo Philips Quote

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
- Emo Philips Quote

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
- Emo Philips Quote

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
- Emo Philips Quote

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Emo Philips Quote

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
- Emo Philips Quote

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips Quote

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
- Emo Philips Quote

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
- Emo Philips Quote

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
- Emo Philips Quote

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
- Emo Philips Quote

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
- Emo Philips Quote

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
- Emo Philips Quote

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips Quote

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
- Emo Philips Quote

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
- Emo Philips Quote

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- Emo Philips Quote

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
- Emo Philips Quote

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
- Emo Philips Quote