Lloyd Christmas: When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry Dunne: That's a special feeling.

[After Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry Dunne: Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this.....and totally redeem yourself!

Harry Dunne: So you got fired again eh?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya' know.
Harry Dunne: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd Christmas: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry Dunne: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd Christmas: Chicks love it. Its a shaggin' wagon.

[To the dogs in his van.]
Harry Dunne: OK gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys.

Harry Dunne: Check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd Christmas: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti.

Lloyd Christmas: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry Dunne: I was thinking the same thing.
Lloyd Christmas: That John Denver is full of shit, man.

Lloyd Christmas: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.

Harry Dunne: Hi Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas: Hi Harry!
Harry Dunne: How was your day?
Lloyd Christmas: Not bad. Fell off a jet way again.

Harry Dunne: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

Harry Dunne: Skis, huh?
Beth Jordan: That's right!
Harry Dunne: Great! They yours?
Beth Jordan: Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne: Both of 'em?
Beth Jordan: Yes.
Harry Dunne: Ah... cool!

Lloyd Christmas: We got no food, no clothes...our pets HEADS ARE FALLIN' OFF!

Harry Dunne: Yeah, well, I don't know. These places just don't do it for me.
Lloyd Christmas: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry Dunne: No, it was a girl.

Lloyd Christmas: Mary... I desperately want to make love to a school-boy.

Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, Flo, what's the soup du jour?
Waitress: It's The Soup of the Day.
Lloyd Christmas: Mmmm...that sounds good; I'll have that.

Lloyd Christmas: That's a lovely accent...New Jersey?
Lady at bus stop: It's Austrian.
Lloyd Christmas: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop: Let's not.

Lloyd Christmas: This isn't my real job you know.
Mary Swanson: No?
Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up money for a pet store. I got worms!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd Christmas: I got worms! That's what we're going to call it. We're going to specialize in selling worm farms. You know like ant farms. What's the matter, a little tense about the flight?
Mary Swanson: Something like that.

Lloyd Christmas: Well suck me sideways!

Harry Dunne: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

Airport Clerk: Sir, you can't go in there!
Lloyd Christmas: It's ok, I'm a limo driver!

Harry Dunne: Once, we successfully mated a bulldog with a shiatsu.
Mary Swanson: Really?
Harry Dunne: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.

Lloyd Christmas: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me...ending up together?
Mary Swanson: Not good.
Lloyd Christmas: Not good like one in a hundred?
Mary Swanson: I'd say more like one in a million.
Lloyd Christmas: So you're telling me there's a chance?

Lloyd Christmas: I'm talkin' about a place where the beer flows like wine, where the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talkin' about Aspen.
Harry Dunne: I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.

Lloyd Christmas: So where are you headin'?
Mary Swanson: Aspen.
Lloyd Christmas: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

Lloyd Christmas: I'll bet you twenty dollars I can get you gambling before the day is out!
Harry Dunne: No!
Lloyd Christmas: I'll give you three to one odds.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Five to one.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Ten to one?
Harry Dunne: You're on!
Lloyd Christmas: I'm gonna get ya!
Harry Dunne: Nu uh!
Lloyd Christmas: I don't know how but I'm gonna get ya.

Harry Dunne: Nice set of hooters you got there!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?!
Harry Dunne: The owls! They're beautiful!

[coming out of the 7-11]
Lloyd Christmas: Hey guys. Big gulps huh. Well, see ya later.

Harry Dunne: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at 10 in the morning?
Lloyd Christmas: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic!

Lloyd Christmas: Why you going to the airport, flying somewhere?
Mary Swanson: How'd you guess?
Lloyd Christmas: I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket I put 2 and 2 together.

Sea Bass' Friend: Kick his ass, Sea Bass!

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, look, the Monkees. They were a huge influence on the Beatles.

[man and woman walk by]
Harry Dunne: Ooh, look at the buns on that one...
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he must work out.

Lloyd Christmas: You're it.
Harry Dunne: You're it.
Lloyd Christmas: You're it, quitsies!
Harry Dunne: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd Christmas: You can't do that!
Harry Dunne: Can too!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, stamp it!
Harry Dunne: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, just to make it true.
Harry Dunne: No, you can't do that...you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp!!!! Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Harry Dunne: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!

Mary Swanson: Okay, how do you guys know each other?
Lloyd Christmas: We used to be best friends.
Harry Dunne: Yeah, until he turned into a back-stabber.
Lloyd Christmas: Me, a back-stabber? You've got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!
Harry Dunne: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?
Lloyd Christmas: What do you mean?
Harry Dunne: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.
Lloyd Christmas: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry Dunne: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd Christmas: Right on my ass after you kiss it!
Harry Dunne: You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips, right here!

Harry Dunne: According to the map we've only gone 4 inches.

Mary Swanson: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five?
Harry Dunne: Well I got a few things to take care of so how about quarter to eight?
Mary Swanson: [Laughs] Stop it
Harry Dunne: ok seven forty-five

Lloyd Christmas: I'm only human Harry! Come on! So we backtracked a tad!
Harry Dunne: A tad?? A tad Lloyd? We drove a sixth away across the country in the wrong direction!! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
Lloyd Christmas: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sittin' here whinin' about it.

Lloyd Christmas: I'm only human Harry! Come on! So we backt-racked a tad!

Harry Dunne: A tad?? A tad Lloyd? We drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction!! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen. We don't have enough money to get home. We don't have enough money to eat. We don't have enough money to sleep!

Lloyd Christmas: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sittin' here whinin' about it.

Aspen Policeman: Pullover!
Harry Dunne: No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, killer boots man!

Harry Dunne: I can't believe it.
Lloyd Christmas: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
Harry Dunne: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words.
Lloyd Christmas: Not if you count the gurgling sound.

Lloyd Christmas: No way. That's great. We landed on the moon!

[While looking back at Mary]
Lloyd Christmas: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
Mary Swanson: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. Can't be too careful. Lot of bad drivers out there.

Joe 'Mental' Mentaliano: Gas man. How the hell did they know that I got gas?

Mrs. Neugeboren: Where have you been? My dogs were supposed to be here FORTY minutes ago! Now, I hardly have any time to primp them!
Harry Dunne: Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Noogieburger.
Mrs. Neugeboren: NEUGEBOREN!!