Simon: As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives. Each wife had seven sacks, each sack had seven cats, each cat had seven kits. Kits, cats, sacks, wives, how many were going to St. Ives?

John McClane: Look I fail you cover my ass. You fail I cover your ass!
Zeus: And if we both fail?
John McClane: Then were both fucked!


[McClane and Zeus are speeding through Central Park]
Zeus: Are you aiming for these people?
John McClane: No.
[Pauses]
John McClane: Well, maybe that mime.

FBI agent: Have you been followed at all during the last few days? Any suspicious phone calls? Any kind of surveillance at all? Anything?
John McClane: Well, now that you mention it, I have, sort of, been feeling this burning sensation between my toes.

Simon: You just interfered with a very well laid plan.
Zeus: Well, you can stick that well laid plan in your well laid ass.

[McClane and Zeus are speeding through Central Park]
John McClane: Relax, I know what I'm doing.
Zeus: Not even God knows what you're doing, McClane.

Inspector Cobb: Simon, I can appreciate your feelings for McClane. But believe me, the jerk isn't worth it. He's stepped on so many toes in this department, by next month he's gonna be a security guard. His own wife wants nothing to do with him, and he's about two steps to becoming a full-blown alcoholic.
John McClane: [whispering] *One* step, one step.

Zeus: Now, where are you goin'?
Raymond: To school.
Zeus: Why?
Dexter: To get educated.
Zeus: Why?
Raymond: So we can go to college.
Zeus: And why is that important?
Raymond: To get a-spected.
Zeus: RE-spect. Now who are the bad guys?
Raymond: Guys who sell drugs.
Dexter: Guys who have guns.
Zeus: And who are the good guys?
Raymond: We're the good guys.
Zeus: So who's gonna help us?
Dexter: Nobody.
Zeus: So who's gonna help us?
Raymond: We're gonna help ourselves.
Zeus: And who do we not want to help us?
Dexter, Raymond: White people.

Zeus: What the fuck are you doin'?
John McClane: Interrogatin' him.
Zeus: Well, what's he gonna tell you, "I'm dead"?
John McClane: Well, I ain't gonna know 'til I ask him, am I?

John McClane: They told me to stay on the line.
Simon: Ha! God I love this country!
John McClane: You know, your brother was an asshole.
Simon: [Pauses and smiles] Yeah, he was an asshole. You got his number.

Zeus: What does this all have to do with killing McClane.
Simon: Life has its little bonuses.

John McClane: Hey, partner!
Zeus: I ain't your partner. I ain't your neighbor, your brother, or your friend. I'm your total stranger.

Simon: I'm a soldier, not a monster. Even though I do work with monsters.

[Zeus and McClaine have just stolen a man's car on the highway]
Zeus: [to man] Hey! Who was the 21st President?
Man: Go fuck yourself!

Simon: I want you and the Samaritan at the corner of 72nd and Broadway in fifteen minutes. You understand?
John McClane: Yeah, I understand. I understand that you're a fucking wacko who likes to play kids' games.
Simon: Hardly.
John McClane: Hardly? Well what have you got against me anyway? What did I bring you in for? Shoplifting? Purse-snatching?
[pauses]
John McClane: Cross-dressing?
Simon: You c...c...couldn't c...c...catch me if I stole your ch...ch...chair with you in it!
John McClane: My ch...ch...chair with me in it? Well Simon, why are you trying to k...k...k...kill me?

Dr. Schiller: This guy wants you to know who he is, so "Simon" is not an alias. It's probably his real name.
Joe Lambert: (reading a rap sheet) Simon, Robert E. Convicted of kidnapping and extortion, 10-15. Served 7 years on good behavior. Released on parole two months ago.
John McClane: Bob Simon is a bankrupt businessman who kidnapped his partner's daughter. He's a fuck-up, not a psycho.

Zeus: What does this Simon guy have against you anyway?
John McClane: Well, I threw his baby brother off of the thirty-second floor of the Nakatomi building in L.A. Now he's pissed at me.
Zeus: You mean to tell me that I'm caught up in all this shit because some white cop threw some white-ass ho's brother off a roof?!

[McClane and Zeus are arguing over how to solve the problem]
John McClane: You can't do it that way you dumb, motherfucking...!
Zeus: Go on, say it! Say it!
John McClane: Say what?
Zeus: You were going to call me a nigger, weren't you?
Zeus: Then what, huh? What were you gonna call me?
John McClane: Asshole! I was going to call you an asshole, asshole!

Simon: Said Simple Simon to the pieman going to fair, "Give me your pies....or I'll cave your head in."

Simon: I think he's dead my dear.

John McClane: Hey, can you pick locks?
Zeus: Is this one of those black things again?

[McClane removes his shirt and pants.]
John McClane: You know, you're the first woman since Holly to see me do this.
Connie Kowalski: I'm honored...
John McClane: Yeah, so was she.

John McClane: Hot in here, or am I just scared to death?

[Trying to get to one of Simon's destinations on time]
Zeus: See, I told you Park Drive was jammed!
John McClane: I didn't say through Park Drive.
[McClane turns the cab and drives through the park]
John McClane: I said through the park.

Zeus: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not going anywhere.
Inspector Cobb: Simon says you got to go.
Zeus: I'm not jumping through hoops for some psycho! That's a white man, with white problems. You deal with it. Call me when he crosses 110th Street.

[After dropping McClane off in Harlem with a sign that says "I hate niggers"]
Inspector Cobb: We'll be back to pick you up in fifteen minutes.
John McClane: Take your time. I expect to be dead in four.

Simon: Is there a lieutenant named McClane there?
Inspector Cobb: He's on suspension.
Simon: No, Arthur, he's not. Not today.
Inspector Cobb: Who is this?
Simon: Call me Simon. I want to play a game.
Inspector Cobb: What kind of game?
Simon: "Simon Says". Simon is going to tell Lt. McClane what to do, and Lt. McClane is going to do it. Noncompliance will result in a penalty.
Inspector Cobb: What kind of penalty?
Simon: Another big bang in a very public place.

Simon: Money means shit to me. I would not give up McClane for all the gold in your Fort Knox.

Simon: Where are my pigeons now?
Inspector Cobb: Pigeons?
Simon: I had two pigeons, bright and gay, fly for me the other day. Why is it they did go? You cannot tell, you do not know.
Inspector Cobb: You mean McClane?
Simon: No, I mean Santa Claus.

[John is standing out in the middle of Harlem with a sign that says 'I hate niggers']
Zeus: Good afternoon.
John McClane: Hey.
Zeus: Are you lost? Hey! listen to me. I think it's kinda bizarre how a white man is standing in the middle of Harlem with a sign saying 'I hate niggers'. See those men over there? When they catch you, they will kill you. You are about to have a very bad day.
John McClane: Tell me about it.

Simon: John . . . in the back of that truck you're driving, there's thirteen billion dollars' worth in gold bullion. I wonder, would a deal be out of the question?
John McClane: I got a deal for ya. Crawl out from under that rock you're hiding under and I'll drive this truck up your ass.
Simon: [pauses] How colorful.

John McClane: The only thing better than blowing up $100 billion worth of gold is making people think you did.

[McClane and Zeus break into a car]
John McClane: You know how to hot-wire this thing?
Zeus: Of course I can, I'm an electrician. Only problem is....
[Zeus starts the ignition with his plyers]
Zeus: ....it takes too fuckin' long.

Simon: Yesterday we were an army with no country, tomorrow we must decide which country we want to buy!

[Referring to The Sign of the Cross]
Zeus: How do Catholics do their thing?
John McClane: North, South, West, East.

John McClane: Say hello to your brother.

Ricky Walsh: Next, fourteen dumptrucks stolen from a yard in Staten Island. Fourteen! Jesus! Somebody starting a construction company?
Joe Lambert: No, it's John's landlady - gonna clean up his apartment.

FBI Agent: Does the name Gruber mean anything to you, lieutenant?
[Flashback to Hans Gruber falling from Nakatomi Towers]
John McClane: It rings a bell, yeah.

John McClane: I'll tell you what your problem is, you don't like me because you're a racist!
Zeus: What?!
John McClane: You're a racist! You don't like me because I'm white!
Zeus: I don't like you because you're going to get me *killed*!

Zeus: Didn't I hear you say you didn't even like your brother?
Simon: There's a difference between not liking one's brother and not caring when some dumb Irish flatfoot drops him out of a window.

Zeus: Ain't no riddle gonna solve this motherfucker?
Simon: No riddle, no code, no fancy little countdown.

Zeus: You famous in L.A. or something?
John McClane: Yeah, for about five minutes.
Zeus: Don't tell me. Rodney King, right?

[McClane hands Zeus a gun]
John McClane: You know how to fire one of these?
Zeus: No.
John McClane: No?!
Zeus: Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker.