A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
- Dennis Miller Quote

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
- Dennis Miller Quote

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
- Dennis Miller Quote

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
- Dennis Miller Quote

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
- Dennis Miller Quote

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
- Dennis Miller Quote

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
- Dennis Miller Quote

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
- Dennis Miller Quote

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
- Dennis Miller Quote

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
- Dennis Miller Quote

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
- Dennis Miller Quote

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
- Dennis Miller Quote

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
- Dennis Miller Quote

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
- Dennis Miller Quote

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
- Dennis Miller Quote

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller Quote

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
- Dennis Miller Quote

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
- Dennis Miller Quote

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
- Dennis Miller Quote