Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
- David Letterman Quote

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- David Letterman Quote

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
- David Letterman Quote

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
- David Letterman Quote

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
- David Letterman Quote

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
- David Letterman Quote

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
- David Letterman Quote

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
- David Letterman Quote

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- David Letterman Quote

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
- David Letterman Quote

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
- David Letterman Quote

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
- David Letterman Quote

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
- David Letterman Quote

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
- David Letterman Quote

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
- David Letterman Quote

There is no off position on the genius switch.
- David Letterman Quote

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
- David Letterman Quote

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
- David Letterman Quote

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
- David Letterman Quote

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
- David Letterman Quote