Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I’ve come in and out of America for… well, I’ve lived here for 15 years. And I’ve played here for nearly 30 years. On and off. But I’ve always played to my fan base. And I can come and do two or three nights in New York or two or three nights in L.A., and all that. But when I go away, nobody knows I’ve been gone. You know, I don’t get reviewed or anything like that. So that’s why I’ve come back and done a longer time in a smaller place, in New York. It’s always the people who live here that get a chance to know me.
- Billy Connolly Quote (QuickStopEntertainment, March 2007)

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
- Billy Connolly Quote

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
- Billy Connolly Quote

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
- Billy Connolly Quote

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
- Billy Connolly Quote

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
- Billy Connolly Quote

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
- Billy Connolly Quote

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
- Billy Connolly Quote

Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?
- Billy Connolly Quote (BBC Films, about "The Man Who Sued God")