[Introducing Genghis Khan.]
Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Ashman's Sporting Goods.

[Delivering a history report.]
Ox: Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... San Dimas High School football rules!

Missy: Hi, Bill. Hi, Ted. Need a ride?
Bill: Sure, Missy! I mean, Mom.
[She smiles]
Ted: [whispering to Bill] Your step-mom's cute.
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshman?
Bill: Shut up, Ted!

[Bill thought Ted was killed.]
Bill: Ted, you're alive!
Ted: Yeah, I fell out of my armor when I hit the floor!
[They hug.]
Bill, Ted: [to each other] Fag!

Bill: Be excellent to each other.
Ted: Party on, dudes.

[After seeing the Princesses Joanna and Elizabeth]
Ted: Bill?
Bill: What?
Ted: I'm in love, dude.
Bill: Come on, this is a history report, not a babe report.
Ted: But, Bill, those are historical babes!
Bill: Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?

Bill: You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!

Ted: [to Socrates] All we are is dust in the wind, dude.

Billy the Kid: Not bad, eh, Socrates? Where are we, dude?
Bill: England, 15th century.
Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report.
Bill: Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval.
Billy the Kid: Excellent!
Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease!

[after arriving in the middle ages with Billy the Kid and Socrates]
Bill: "Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease!"

History Teacher: Who was Joan of Arc?
Ted: Noah's wife?

Ted: Now your dad's actually going for it in your room!
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Your step-mom is cute, though.
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?
Bill: Shut up Ted!!

Bill, Ted: Excellent!

Bill: Ted. While I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes, Bill. But...I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?
Bill: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen.
Ted: And, THAT is why we need a triumphant video.
Bill, Ted: EXCELLENT!
[Air guitar]

King: Put them in the iron maiden.
Ted: Iron Maiden?
Bill, Ted: Excellent!
[Air guitar]
King: Execute them!
Bill, Ted: Bogus.

Ted: Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.


Bill: Socrates; "The only true wisdom consists of knowing you know nothing".
Ted: That's us, dude!

[Bill S. Preston and Ted Logan have met themselves again]
Bill, Ted: Catch you later, Bill and Ted!
Bill: That conversation made more sense this time.

Police Psychiatrist: I don't know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.
Sigmund Freud: Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?
Police Psychiatrist: Why do you keep asking me these questions?
Sigmund Freud: Tell me about your mother.

Ted: Dude, it's Sigmund Frood!
Bill: Extra credit, dude. Let's bag him!
Ted: [to Freud] How's it goin' Frood-dude?

[As Genghis Khan shows off, Ted narrates]
Ted: As you can see, Genghis greatly enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush!

[Repeated lines]
Abraham Lincoln: Be excellent to each other... And party on, dudes!

[Last line (while Bill S. Preston and Ted Logan are "jamming")]
Rufus: [reassuringly to the camera] They do get better.

[Captain Logan is questioning Abraham Lincoln]
Capt. Logan: All right, what's your name?
Abraham Lincoln: Abraham Lincoln. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.
Capt. Logan: I know how to spell Lincoln! What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?
Abraham Lincoln: February 12...1809.

Ted: RUFUS!!!!!!!!!!
Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.

Socrates: [In Greek] Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives!

Billy the Kid: Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win...I keep.
Bill, Ted: Sounds good, Mr. The Kid.

[Bill & Ted have just landed the booth in Bill's yard]
Ted: [to Missy] Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our...friends.
Bill: Yeah. This is Dave Beeth Oven.
[Beethoven kisses Missy's hand. She laughs]
Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid.
Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan. So-crates Johnson. Dennis Frood. And uh, uh...Abraham Lincoln.

Bill: How's it going, royal ugly dudes?

Bill: Dude, you've gotta have a poker face like me.
[Ted stops grinning at his cards, Bill looks at his own cards]
Bill: Whoa! Three aces!

Bill: You ditched Napoleon!
Ted: Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in san Dimas!
Deacon: He was a dick!

Bill: Who are you guys?
Future Ted: We're you, dude!
Ted: No way! No ... way!
Future Ted: Yes way!

Bill: Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?

Ted: Whoa! He didn't even card us, dude!
Bill: Yeah, we'll have to remember this place.

[In Ancient Greece]
Bill: Socrates. Hey, we know that name!
Ted: Hey,
[hands Bill the book]
Ted: look him up. Oh, it's under So-crates.