Josh: I wish I were big.


Mrs. Baskin: You have my son?
Josh: [Over the phone] Yes.
Mrs. Baskin: Look, if you touch one hair on his head, I swear I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer.
Josh: Wow, thanks.

Interviewer: Where did you go to school?
Josh: It was called George Washington.
Interviewer: Oh G.W. My brother-in-law got his doctorate there. Did you pledge?
Josh: Yes. Every morning.

Billy: I'd use the chain if I were you.

Bank Teller: How would you like that?
Josh: [After he and Billy discuss it] Three dimes, a hundred dollar bill and 87 ones.

Josh: [checking Billy's baseball cards] Got it, got it, need it, got it...

Paul: What is so special about Baskin?!
Susan: He's a grown up!

Billy: I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh?

Susan: I want to spend the night with you.
Josh: Do you mean sleep over?
Susan: Well... yeah!
Josh: Well, okay... but I get to be on top!

Josh: It's a glow-in-the-dark compass ring. So you don't get lost.

Josh: I'm much better at video hockey.
Paul: That's not a sport.
Josh: It requires hand and eye coordination.
Paul: It's not a sport if you don't sweat.
Josh: What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat.
Paul: It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.
Josh: What about car racing?
Paul: Shut up, Baskin.

Susan: It happened again! David, the girl is absolutely useless! You've gotta get me someone who knows what she is doing! Excuse me. I'm not getting any of my mail, nothing has been filed! Ever since she got engaged, my life has been a disaster!
Personnel Director: You know, she came so highly recommended.
Susan: She spent the last three months writing down her married name. "Mrs. Judy Hicks", "Mrs. Donald Hicks"; "Mrs. Judy Mitchellson Hicks", sometimes with a hyphen, sometimes without a hyphen. Sometimes, she spells the hyphen!

Susan: All he said was he didn't get it.
Paul: [Mimicking Josh] "I don't get it." "I don't get it". "Let's make it a bug".

MacMillan: You can't see this on a marketing report.
Josh: Um, what's a marketing report?
MacMillan: Exactly.