Mike Lowrey: What the hell are you doin'?
Marcus Burnett: Keepin' my shit quick.
Mike Lowrey: Oh, I see. You aren't gettin any at home, so you got a lot of extra energy. Go ahead, burn it off.

Mike Lowrey: Hello?
Marcus Burnett: We're your new neighbors.
Mike Lowrey: Don't be alarmed, we're negros.
Marcus Burnett: Naw man, naw! Too much bass in your voice. That scares white folks. You got to sound more like them.
[In high pitched voice]
Marcus Burnett: We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar..?

Mike Lowrey: I don't know why you runnin' to your wife. You got shot in the leg, your dick probably don't work!

Mike Lowrey: You know, I'm so sick of this bullshit! Am I supposed to apologize for my family leaving me money? All I ever wanted to do was be a cop. I go out there and take it to the max everyday. I'm the first one there, and the last one to leave, so you know what, fuck you, and fuck them, and fuck everybody that's got a problem with Mike Lowery.
Marcus Burnett: I love you, man.
Mike Lowrey: Fuck you!
Marcus Burnett: I do.
Mike Lowrey: Shut up, you slowass driver. You drive like a bitch!
Marcus Burnett: Why I gotta be all that? Tell you what, I'll drive off this fuckin cliff if you keep fuckin with me. Then it'll be two bitches in the sea. My wife knows I'm no bitch. I'm a bad boy!

Mike Lowrey: They should just bone and get that shit over with.

Marcus Burnett: Oh, man, that was cold!
Detective Sanchez: Yeah, so was your mama's bed.

Store Clerk: Freeze mother bitches!

Fouchet: I like it when a woman takes pride in her appearance. Don't you?
Casper: Uh, yeah, I hate it when a bitch lets herself go.

Mike Lowrey: [to thug that is holding a gun to his head] Let me tell you bad bad of a day your having, right now your jacking a couple cops.
Thug #1: Oh yeah, well I'm a stand up comedian and I SUCK so I need your car.

Marcus Burnett: You got the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Mike Lowrey: Yo man, what the fuck are you doing?
Marcus Burnett: Gettin' it outta the way.

Marcus Burnett: [trying to imitate Mike] Hello, this is Mike Low-rey...
Captain Howard: That's not how he sounds. Try to talk sexy! Sexy, sexy! You don't sound sexy enough!
Marcus Burnett: Cap, Cap, I've been there!

Mike Lowrey: Now let's hear some of those jokes, bitch!

Marcus Burnett: You better do something quick, 'cause we're running out of road!
Mike Lowrey: Who picked this dumb-ass road?!

Marcus Burnett: Man, I ain't no Wesley Snipes! I just hang out with stupid-ass friends, who drive stupid-ass cars, that attract a lot of stupid-ass attention!
Mike Lowrey: You know, I should just jump over this car and smack you on your peasy-ass little head!

Julie Mott: Can I help you?
Theresa Burnett: Yes, I'm here to kill my husband.
Julie Mott: Which one, the tall one or the short one?
Theresa Burnett: The short one.

Marcus Burnett: Damn, why am I tripping on stuff I already know is there?

Marcus Burnett: (driving the "ice-cream truck") What am I smelling?
Julie Mott: Ether! Highly inflammable... ether.
Mike Lowrey: Oh shit...
Marcus Burnett: Oh! You the man! You the one who picked an ice-cream truck that's a damn bomb!!

Marcus Burnett: [to Fletch] If you don't sit your lanky ass down right now, bottom-line, I will knock you the fuck out!

Mike Lowrey: Hey, hey, what's this having-a-picnic shit in my car?
Marcus Burnett: Look man, I ain't getting my sex at home, OK? Don't deny me this.
Mike Lowrey: What are you talking about, man? You sleep with a beautiful woman everyday!
Marcus Burnett: I'm married. That's what married means. It means you sleep together, but you can't get none.

Theresa Burnett: Oh oh! Don't kiss me, Mike. I don't know where your lips were last night! Move!
Quincy Burnett: Uncle Mike, did you have a date last night?
Mike Lowrey: Whooo! Did I! Let me tell you, this girl was...
Theresa Burnett: Hey hey! Don't you go telling my boys none of your sleazy sex stories.
Mike Lowrey: Aw, no. I only tell your husband my sleazy sex stories.
Marcus Burnett: Hey!
Theresa Burnett: Well, I don't want him hearing either. Gives him ideas.
Marcus Burnett: Why are you doing this to me, man? I'm with my babies. Okay? Thank you!

Stake-out crook: Watching the place was my first gig.
Detective Sanchez: Oh, so does that make you union?

Marcus Burnett: I'm not understanding. Do you just attract violent people?

Mike Lowrey: My plans always work sometimes!

Mike Lowrey: Please, man! Married life is easy! You only got one woman to satisfy!
Marcus Burnett: Yo, man, we ain't the Cosbys!

Marcus Burnett: You forgot your boarding pass!

Marcus Burnett: Mike! Go downstairs and have a Coke and smile.

Theresa Burnett: And you don't even have your wedding ring on!
[Slams bedroom door shut]
Marcus Burnett: Damn. Um. Naw Naw I went undercover! And it uh required the taking off of the ring that's all for a second. But I got the ring, look I just put my hand in my pocket cos that's where it was and its right back on baby!
[Sighs]
Marcus Burnett: Damn. Can I get a pillow?