[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--
Jet Pilot: Dick! Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge--
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker!
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Oh goodness, it's not a bird, it's--
Army Sergeant: Privates! We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with--
Baseball Umpire: Two balls!
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that? It looks just like an enormous--
Colonel: Johnson!
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

Scott: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something?
Dr. Evil: No, no, no.

Austin: Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!

Austin: So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties?
[goes cross-eyed]
Austin: Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.
[to camera]
Basil: And, you too.

Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Scott: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a dope?

Dr. Evil: The moon unit will be divided into two divisions: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.

Austin: How could you sleep with Fat Bastard?
Felicity Shagwell: I was just doing my duty, Austin. I had to.
Austin: No, I mean, literally, HOW could you sleep with him? He's so fat! The mechanics of it is just mind-boggling!

Dr. Evil: You're not quite evil enough. You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough.

Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?
Felicity Shagwell: You can start by buying me a drink.

[Driving on a supposedly English road, clearly *not* filmed on location.]
Mike Myers: You know what's remarkable? That England looks in no way like Southern California.

Austin: I put the "grrrr" in swinger baby, yeah!

Felicity Shagwell: Felicity Shagwell. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.

Dr. Evil: As the French say, that certain "I don't know what."

Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.

Ivana: When did you get "The Clapper"?
Austin: November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.

Felicity Shagwell: Move over, Rover. This chick is taking over.

Number Two: Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions!
Dr. Evil: Why make trillions when we could make... billions?

The President: C'mon, let me nuke that bastard.
Commander Gilmour: You want to blow up the moon?
The President: Would you really miss it that much?

Fat Bastard: I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because I eat.

Woman: Oh my god, look at that! It looks just like my husband's--
Carnival Worker: ONE-EYED MONSTER! Come see the One-eyed Monster!
One Eyed Monster: Oh my god, it's a giant--
Chinese Teacher: Wang! pay attention!
Wang: Sorry, sir I was distracted by that giant flying--
Fan: Woody! Woody Harrelson! Could I have your autograph?

Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand 'cause the face don't wanna hear it.

Dr. Evil: [deep voice] Austin, I'm your father
Austin: Really?
Dr. Evil: No, I can't back that up.

Dr. Evil: Mini-me, you complete me.

Fat Bastard: [to Felicity] I've got bigger titties than you!

Dr. Evil: Mini Me, if I ever lost you, I would be very upset. I would cry for about 10 minutes, the get another clone. But there would still be that 10 minute period.

Dr. Evil: I turned the moon into something I like to call a "Death Star."

Fat Bastard: I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
The President: What hand?
Dr. Evil: You aren't all that and a bag of potato chips.
The President: What are you talking about?
Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
The President: Whose girlfriend?
Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo fo. I onced popped a cop cause he wasn't giving my props in Oak town. I've heard that somewhere.

[massaging Felicity]
Austin: How does that feel, baby?
Felicity Shagwell: Mmm, lower.
Austin: [deep voice] How does that feel, baby?

[Dr. Evil sings to Mini Me, to the tune of "Just the two of us"]
Dr. Evil: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.

Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.
Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy! He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Dr Evil: Probably.

Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make...a billion?
Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.

Frau Farbissina: They made a clone!

Fat Bastard: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs! *Chili's* Baby back ribs.

Dr. Evil: Mini Me, stop humping the laser!

Felicity Shagwell: So Austin tell me about the future.
Austin: Well everyone has their own flying car, entire meals come in pill form, and the Earth is run by DAMN DIRTY APES!
Felicity Shagwell: Oh My God!

Dr. Evil: Look at me! I'm Zippy Longstockings!

Fat Bastard: [to Mini Me] I'm bigger than you and higher up the food chain...so get in my belly!

Ivana: My name is Ivana, Ivana Humpalot

Fat Bastard: First things first: WHERE'S YOUR SHITTER?! I've got a turtle-head poking out!
Dr. Evil: Charming
Fat Bastard: I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey! Aww, it's SQUIDGY!!! Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it, ya know?

Dr. Evil: Sick as a dog. Gonna vomit.

Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] I shall call it The Death Star
Scott: [snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: Oh nothing, Darth

Felicity Shagwell: I want to see how the 70s and 80s turn out.
Austin: The 70s and the 80s? I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.

Austin: Shut up, you bastard...who is fat...

Fat Bastard: [After Felicity kicks Fat Bastard in the crotch] Owwww...Right in the mummy-daddy button!
Austin: I don't care if he is a fat bastard, Felicity, you don't kick a man in the pills...it's just not cricket!

Dr. Evil: Mini-me, we do not gnaw on the kitty.

Fat Bastard: [rubbing his nipples] I'm dead sexy. Look at my sexy body.
Fat Bastard: [to Felicity Shagwell] Would you like to have another go? 'Cause once you've had fat, you never go back.

Fat Bastard: [About: Mini-me] I've had bigger chunks of corn in my crap!

Fat Bastard: I ate a baby! Ay, the *other* other white meat.

Colonel: We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are VITAL to the country! Be on special alert.
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir!
Colonel: And, uh, try to lose some weight, for God's sake!
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir! (Under his breath) Mister English Colonel tellin' me to lose weight! "Oh, I'm a hard case" he says! (louder) Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby! Oh, aye, Baby: the other OTHER white meat! Baby: it's what's for dinner!