[during drive to lake]
Stifler: Oh, yeah! The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor! Deck the halls! Bye-bye, Great Falls! Wipe my ass and lick my balls! It's Stifler time, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Stifler: I will kiss everyone in this room, guy or girl!

Jim: I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.

Jim: I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy.

Michelle: Holy Potatoes!

Jim: I guess I've always been a band geek. I was just never in the band.

Jim: Ah, yes. You would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch, and ditched me after prom."

Finch: How did you do that magic you did?

Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I do. Times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

Jim: Was I any good that night
Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing but wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible!
Jim: I'm sorry, terrible?
Michelle: I've had worse.
Jim: Oh.
Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just...ah...I could give you some pointers. If you want?

Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none!

Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you learn anything in college?

Jim's Dad: Keep it real homies!

Jim: That's a lot of flutes!

Michelle: Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push you're threshold!
Jim: Ow that's cold! What is that?
Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in you're ass! Aren't intsruments fun?

Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.
Oz: Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.
Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass!

Finch: Oh, Jeanine, Jeanine!
Stifler's Mom: Call me Stifler's Mom.

Stifler: There's little hearts on her panties! There's little hearts on her panties!

Michelle: You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

Stifler: Holy shit dude! I found a dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Big blue rubber dicks for everyone! The people demand rubber dicks!
Jim: What are you doing?
Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts!
[hands Jim the dildo]
Jim: Where did you get this?
Stifler: Finch's ass!

Stifler: I'm in a lesbian stronghold!

Stifler: Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.

Stifler: Yes, the force is strong in that one.

Jim: This is my first time, since my first time.

Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

Sherman: I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex-Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.
Nadia: Am I a lucky lady?
Sherman: Nadia, you've been targeted for Shermination!

Stifler: Brilliant! You found Lesbians...

Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.

Jim's Dad: Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.

Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know whose dick needs and instruction manual.

[The two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]
Stifler: Its okay! Its okay! I know what I have to do.
[starts undoing his shorts]
Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team!
[Finch and Jim run away]
Finch: I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT!
Jim: PUT THAT THING AWAY STIFLER!
Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them! Why can't you guys be team players, huh?! I was the one doing all the sacrificing!

Stifler: [answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stiffler's palace of love...STRAIGHT love.

[Jim is kissing Michelle's collar bone]
Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet!
Jim: Holy shit, really?
Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice!
Jim: 'course.

Jim: This is good. This is good. Obviously.
Michelle: Oh! Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell!
Jim: Eh, what?
Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

Stifler: Why don't I give you a spoon?
Jim: Why?
Stifler: So you can eat my ass!

Stifler's brother: STEVE! Those are my lesbians!

Heather: [On the phone to Oz] Oz what should I do now?
Stifler: [Also on the phone pretending to be Oz] Oh Heather baby! Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's!
Oz: Stifler get off!
Stifler: I am getting off listening to the two of you! Keep going!

Stifler: Where are the Fuckin' females?

Stifler: Oh God, I kissed Jim!

[over the radio]
Stifler's brother: Steve the copwatch thing is horse shit! Man this sucks!
Danielle: Who is it out there?
Stifler's brother: It's the Stifmeister baby!
Amber: Is that so?

Jim: That counted!
Stifler: That totally counted!
Danielle: That's the way to kiss you're mother!
Stifler: [to Finch] DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING!

Heather: [Interrupted during phone call] Marco can you get your balls off me?
Oz: Heather what the hell is going on over there?

Stifler: Jim! Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away!

Jim's Dad: We're very proud of you son. Don't forget your penis cream,

Jim's Dad: (to Natalie's Dad) Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. I didn't get your daughter's name, but I'm pretty sure my son did.

Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.