Larry Hertzel: All I was doing was welcoming somebody into the family.
Roberta Hertzel: Larry, we've been welcomed by you, thank you so much, now would you please just drink your fucking milk and shut the fuck up.

Warren Schmidt: You're making a big mistake, don't marry this guy, don't do it.
Jeannie Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Warren Schmidt: The other night I had a dream and it was very real. Your mother was there and you were there and your aunt Estelle. And there was a... well, it wasn't really a spaceship, it was more like a blimp or an orb of some kind. And then a bunch of weird creatures came out and started trying to take you away, and you wanna know what? They all looked like Randall. Do you understand? And I was jumping up and down to save you.

Roberta Hertzel: You already know how famously they get along as friends, but did you know that their sex life is positively white hot? The main reason both of my marriages failed was sexual. I'm an extremely sexual person, I can't help it, it just how I'm wired, you know, even when I was a little girl. I had my first orgasm when I was 6 in ballet class. Anyway, the point is that I have been always very easily aroused and very orgasmic, Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. Clifford and Larry, they were nice guys, but they just could not keep up with me. Anyway, I don't want to betray Jeannie's confidence, but let me just assure you that whatever problems those two kids may run into along the way, they will always be able to count on what happens between the sheets to keep them together. More soup?
Warren Schmidt: Eh... no, I think I'm fine now.

[repeated line]
Warren Schmidt: Dear Ndugu...

Warren Schmidt: You can't marry him. I mean... Look at these people!

Roberta Hertzel: People used to think it was strange 'cause I breast-fed him 'til he was almost five, but I say - hunh, just look at the results!

Jeannie Schmidt: All of a sudden you're taking an interest in what I do? You have an opinion about my life *now*? Okay, you listen to me. I am getting married the day after tomorrow and you are going to come to my wedding and you are going to sit there and enjoy it and support me or else you can just turn right around right now and go back to Omaha.

Warren Schmidt: You're not gonna believe this. We had a tire swing over there.