Marcus: Oh, don't worry, I think your mum is keen on him.
Ali: [Shouting] She's not keen on him! She's only keen on me!

Will: The thing is, a person's life is like a TV show. I was the star of The Will Show. And The Will Show wasn't an ensemble drama. Guests came and went, but I was the regular. It came down to me and me alone. If Marcus' mum couldn't manage her own show, if her ratings were falling, it was sad, but that was her problem. Ultimately, the whole single mum plotline was a bit complicated for me.

Marcus: He fancies you. he told me.

Christine: You will end up childless and alone.
Will: Well, fingers crossed, yeah.

Will: This crying in the morning thing, this depression, let's get that fixed.

Will: I want to go out with her, OK. I'd like her to be my girlfriend, here I said it.
Marcus: How brilliant!

Will: I was in some strange territory. Was I frightened? I was petrified.

Marcus: You don't give a shit about anyone and no one gives a shit about you!

Will: I am an island. I am bloody Ibiza!

Lindsey's Mum: 'Shake your Ass'....is he Moroccan?

Will: I'd be the worst possible Godfather. I'd probably drop her on her head at her christening. I'd forget all her birthdays until she was 18. Then I'd take her out and get her drunk. And, let's face it, quite possibly try and shag her.

Will: Once you open your door to one person anyone can come in.

Marcus: I think I killed a duck!

Fiona: You selfish bastard!

[Regarding the first SPAT meeting]
Will: I'll tell you one thing. Men are bastards. After about ten minutes I wanted to cut my *own* penis off with a kitchen knife.

[Fiona is crying]
Fiona: Will, am I a bad mother?
Will: No. No, you're not a bad mother. You're just a barking lunatic.

[Fiona is crying.]
Fiona: I mean, he's a special - very, very special boy and he's got a special soul, and I've wounded it.
Will: Oh, please, just shut up. You're wounding my soul.

Will: No. No, you thought wrong. I really am this shallow.

Christine: Oh, no...it's just I thought you had hidden depths.
Will: No, no, you've always had that wrong about me. I really am this shallow.

Will: In my opinion, all men are islands. And what's more, now's the time to be one. This is an island age.

Fiona: He's expressing himself!
Will: No, he's not! He's expressing YOU!

Marcus: Suddenly I realized - two people isn't enough. You need backup. If you're only two people, and someone drops off the edge, then you're on your own. Two isn't a large enough number. You need three at least.

Will: It helps to think of the day as units of time, each unit consisting of thirty minutes. Most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath. Doing the crossword. Exercising. Three units. Carefully trimming my perfectly unkempt hair, two units, easy. All in all, I had a very full life.

Will: It was terrible! Terrible! But driving really fast behind the ambulance was fantastic!

Will: Me, I didn't mean anything. About anything, to anyone. And I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life.

[Will is in the supermarket His father's song begins to play]
Will: Oh no! Six weeks before bloody Christmas, they were already playing that song.