Robbie: All right, remember -- alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!

Robbie: Are you drinking, too?
Julia: No, it's Coca-Cola.
Robbie: Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola?
Julia: I'm not a big drinker. And if it was, I'd probably be puking more than that kid!
Robbie: Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than than kid. I think I saw a boot come out of him.

Harold's brother: Little news flash, Pop. Ha. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember when we were in Puerto Rico and we picked up those 2, uh... well, I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember paying.

Holly: You know who else I think is sexy? Robbie Hart.
Glenn: You think the "Time To Make The Doughnuts" guy is sexy.

Robbie: Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.

Glenn: This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or you just want to get married?

Man: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to share your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.
Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

Julia: Not porno tongue. Church tongue.
Robbie: Church tongue, I like that.

Sammy: If you find somebody who loves you, you can't let that get away.

Robbie: Hey. I kissed her, but it didn't mean anything, I just brought her the jacket.
Glenn: Kissed who?
Holly: Oh, me.
Glenn: Who hasn't?

Robbie Hart's Brother-In-Law: Oh, shit. I got water all over myself.

Robbie: You hit two cones back there. Those could have been pedestrians... they could have been people at her wedding!
Sammy: [exasperated] They were CONES!

Robbie: No, I don't drink
Glenn: Well I do, how about an "Alabama Slammer"?
Glenn's buddy: Sounds like a plan.
Robbie: Yeah, go ahead, have a few drinks and, you know, drive home.

Glenn: [After punching Robbie] You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it "I got hit in the face for sticking my nose in other people's business".
Old man in bar: Sounds like a country song!

Robbie: [singing] I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad / Carry you around when your arthritis is bad / All I wanna do is grow old with you. / I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches / build you a fire if the furnace breaks / Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you. / I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold. / Need you, feed you, I'll even let you hold the remote control. / So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink / Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. / Oh I could be the man to grow old with you. / I wanna grow old with you.

Robbie: See? Billy Idol gets it!

[About woman]
Old Man in Bar: They rip your heart out of your ass.

Rosie: [to Julia] : He wants to make money. You know - live in a nice house with wide windows and locks. You can't expect him to live forever with his sister and the nipple-twisting that goes on there.

Rosie: Are you nervous?
Robbie: No, I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.
Rosie: No, not about the wedding. About the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?
Robbie: Uh...
Rosie: Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.
Robbie: Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.
Rosie: That was a lot back then; it'd be like two hundred today!

Robbie: [to Glenn] I don't even know your last name.
Glenn: It's Gulia.
Robbie: Gulia? Oh, so Julia's last name's gonna be Gulia. Julia Gulia! That's funny!