Garth Algar: Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream
flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.
Garth Algar: "Who's trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?" "I
don't know, but he better not."
Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!
Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Arcade owner: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.
[Garth fears throwing up if he talks to his dream girl.]
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours.
If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
Wayne Campbell: Am I supposes to be a man, am I supposed to say, it's OK, I
don't mind! I don't mind! Why mind? I mind big time? And you know what the worst
part is, I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.
Wayne Campbell: Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live
in Aurora, Illonois, which is a suburb of Chicago- excellent. I've had plenty of
jo-jobs- nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way, I have an extensive
collection of nametags and hairnets. Ok, so I still live with my parents, which
I admit is bogus and sad. However I do have a cable access show- and I still
know how to party! But what I'd really like is to do Wayne's World for a living.
It might happen, yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!- Wayne Campbell.
Wayne Campbell: I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked.
They left that to the Bee Gees.
Tiny: Wanye! How you doin'?
Wayne Campbell: Hey Tiny, who's playing today?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.
Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck!
Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name
Garth Algar: Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the guy signed a contract
and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just
grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?
Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up 2 months ago!
Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it?
Wayne Campbell: Well it does actually, that's what breaking up is.
Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?
Wayne Campbell: What is it?
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne Campbell: What is it?
Stacy: It's a gun rack.
Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone
many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a
Stacy: You don't like it? Fine! You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're
going to lose me.
Wayne Campbell: I lost you 2 months ago! We broke up! Are you mental?
Alan: Do I frighten you?
Mrs. Vanderhoff: No.
Alan: Do you want me to?
Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had
its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here
in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que"
which is Algonquin for "the good land."
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick
Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice! Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick
Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird!
[Admiring a guitar in a music store.]
Wayne Campbell: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
Garth Algar: Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww!
Garth Algar: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.
Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year, It turned out I
was just really bored.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: [to the camera] I'd never done a crazy thing in my life
before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it's
called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder.
Garth Algar: That is a babe! She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to
climb the rope in gym-class.
[Talking about Claudia Schiffer]
Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.
Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious.
Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
Benjamin: First let me get this out of the way; I'm a big fan.
Garth Algar: You are?
Benjamin: The way I see it; your show is capable of so much more.
Garth Algar: Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just
don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance!
[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?" (also in Wayne's
World 2 (1993))]
Wayne Campbell: Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?
Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell: Yes! Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our
first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did -
and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and I said
"Listen, man! I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody!".
Terry: Wayne! Wayne! Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man.
Wayne Campbell: Yea, and I love you too, Terry.
Terry: No no no, I mean it man. I LOVE you!
Wayne Campbell: No, I-I mean it. I love you.
Terry: No you don't, man. I love you.
Wayne Campbell: [being hugged by Terry] Garth! Hey, come over here, I think
Terry has something he wants to say to you.
Terry: I love you, man.
Garth Algar: Thank you!
Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...
Benjamin Oliver: So So Garth, what do you think so far?
Garth Algar: It's like a new pair of underwear. At first it's constrictive, but
after a while it becomes a part of you.
[Suggesting ordering Chinese food]
Wayne Campbell: I like the cream of "sum yung gai."
[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the
Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before ...
but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la
renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
Garth Algar: She's a babe.
Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia
Garth Algar: If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln.
[A brief pause]
Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and
played girl bunny?
Wayne Campbell: [cracks up laughing] No... No!
Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy?
Davy: Yeah, I got paid today.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like.
Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels.
Davy: Know what I'd like to do?
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find
the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in
front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.
Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam
will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his
Garth Algar: OK ... First I'll access the secret military spy satelite that is
in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity
plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll
reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit
WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the aerosphere up to
COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137 and down on the dish
on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.
[See Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)]
[Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop]
Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem?
T-1000: Have you seen this boy?
Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the
region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize
the convention so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white
champagne, even though by definition they're not.
Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next
Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as
Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy! We're not
Wayne Campbell: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I
know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes
when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...
[After seeing Cassandra for the first time]
Wayne Campbell: She will be mine. Oh yes -- she will be mine.