Van Wilder: Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.
Van Wilder: But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge...
Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death
matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.
Suicidal Freshman: I don't have a pen.
Van Wilder: Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think
you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.
[repeated line, after giving advice]
Van Wilder: Write that down.
Van Wilder: Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but
it doesn't get you anywhere.
Van Wilder: The first day of spring semester. A time to say goodbye to the
parents once again, and say hello to a few new student bodies.
Van Wilder: Don't be a fool, stay in school!
Van Wilder: What is wrong with people today?
Hutch: [taking a hit from a bong] It's the internet, it fries their brain cells.
Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.
Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first
thing that comes to your mind. Milk.
Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are
sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go
home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To
smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I
wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the
car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air
dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much,
Mr. Van Wilder.
Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school?
Assistant: For the better part of a decade.
Campus Cop: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to back away from Van's vehicle!
Vance Wilder, Sr.: Sweet Joesph, my son's a fairy.
Van Wilder: Take your clothes off.
Gwen: I'm not taking off my clothes.
Van Wilder: Well it is the naked mile run, everybody else is in their birthday
[A hairy naked guy runs by.]
Van Wilder: Except that guy.
[After a stripper farts in their face.]
Van Wilder: Congratulations Taj, your first blow job!