Tyrone: I don't want that dog dribbling on my seats.
Vinny: Your seats? Tyrone, this is a stolen car, mate.
Turkish: I'm sorry, Mickey.
Mickey: Did ya do it? Then why are ya sorry?
[His fighter has just been knocked out]
Tommy: We've lost Gorgeous George.
Brick Top: You'll have to say that again, I don't think I heard you?
Tommy: We've lost Gorgeous George.
Brick Top: How could you lose him, he's not a set of car keys. It's not like
[Pricing a diamond for Bad Boy Lincoln]
Sol: No, it's a moissanite.
Bad Boy Lincoln: A what-a-nite?
Sol: A moissanite is an artificial diamond, Lincoln. It's Mickey Mouse, man.
Spurious. Not genuine. And it's worth... Fuck-all.
Bullet Tooth Tony: You better not be tellin' me porky pies.
Turkish: ....I can't make him fight, can I?
Brick Top: You're not much use to me alive are you.
Errol: Fuckface, who's speaking to you? He asked him, didn't he?
Turkish: Fuckface... I like that one Errol. I'll have to remember that one next
time I'm crawling off yer mum.
Turkish: Well the rabbit gets fucked!
Tommy: [pauses] Proper fucked?
Turkish: Yes, before "Zee Germans" get there.
Mickey: Ya got a good kick fer a fat fella.
Gorgeous George: You better stay down!
[Throws Mickey into a wooden fence]
[To Tommy, talking about a gun]
Boris: If it doesn't work you can always hit him with it.
Turkish: [voice over] Boris The Blade, otherwise known as Boris "the Sneaky
Fucking Russian" as bent as it's own sickle, and as hard as the the hammer
that crosses it. Apparently, it's impossible to kill the bastard.
[Doug sees four Jewish kids smoking.]
Doug the Head: What are you doing?
Jewish Boy: [spits] It's a free country isn't it?
Doug the Head: Well it isn't a free shop is it? So fuck off!
Mickey: Why the fuck do I want a caravan that's got no fuckin' wheels?
[After hearing about Bullet-Tooth Tony surviving after being shot six times.]
Cousin Avi: Six times.
Doug the Head: In one sitting.
Brick Top: You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.
Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it
Sol: Would someone mind telling me, who are you?
Brick Top: And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because
it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it?
Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the
pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to
a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out
for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course,
but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go
through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in
one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a
body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig
can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression,
"as greedy as a pig."
Bullet Tooth Tony: I'm driving down the road with your head stuck in my window.
What does it look like I'm doin'?!
Sol: You ain't from this planet are you, Vincent? Who is gonna mug two black
fellas, holding pistols, sat in a car that is worth less than your shirt?
Turkish: [Narrating] this is Tommy. He tells people he's named after a gun, but
I know he's named after a famous 19th century belly dancer.
Brick Top: [referring to Tommy] Turkish, put a lead on him.
Turkish: [Tommy has a gun in his trousers] what's to stop it blowing your
bollocks off every time you sit down?
Turkish: Now, I know he looks like a fat fucker......well, he is a fat fucker...
Tommy: Are you sayin' I can't shoot?
Turkish: no Tommy, I'm not saying you can't shoot, I know you can't shoot, I'm
just sayin' it'd probably do him more damage if you fed it to him.
Turkish: Have you ever stepped onto the road, and you turn and a car's almost on
you? something very strange happens. Your life doesn't flash before your eyes,
cos you're too fuckin' scared to think - you just freeze.......and pull a stupid
Turkish: Not many people are named after plane crashes
Sol: What the fuck is that?
Vinny: Heh heh. This, is a shotgun Sol.
Sol: It's a fucking anti-aircraft gun Vincent!
Vinny: So, I wanna raise some pulses don't I?
Sol: You'll raise Hell! Never mind pulses!
[After cleaning out Turkish's Safe]
Brick Top: He's been quite a busy bastard that Turkish.
Errol: I think you've let him get away with enough, Gov'nor
Brick Top: It'll get you in a lot of trouble thinking, Errol. I wouldn't do too
much of it.
Vinny: Bad Boy, I keep telling you: 'Stick to being a gangster.' Leave this
business to me 'n Sol.
[While robbing the bookies]
Sol: Are you alright there Vincent?
Vinny: I would be if you stopped using my name.
Roswell: Get me to a doctor. Shoot that fuck! Then get me to a doctor.
Cousin Avi: Well get you to a nice Jewish doctor Ross. Find my friend a nice
Brick Top: Get your tongue out of my arse there Gary. Dogs do that. You're not a
dog are ya Gary?
Gary: No Mr. Poford, I'm not.
Brick Top: Well you got every aspect of a dog. Except loyalty.
[Errol zaps Gary]
Turkish: [Voice over] Brick Top's way of doing business is with a stun gun, a
plastic bag, a roll of tape, and a pack of hungry pigs.
Brick Top: You're a devilish little cunt there Liam. But I got no time for
grassers. Feed 'em to the pigs Errol. What the fuck are you two looking at?
Mullet: What are you doing Tony?
Bullet Tooth Tony: Driving with you head stuck in my window. What do you think
Chinese guy: I shoot you, you go down!!!!!
[Bullet Tooth Tony is driving down the street with Mullet's head stuck in his
Tommy: You 'bin usin' dog shit fer toothpaste, Mullet?
Brick Top: It was a rhetorical question Errol. What have I told you about
Cousin Avi: Who's Bullet Tooth..
Chinese Guy: Tony!
Bullet Tooth Tony: You silly fuck.
Gorgeous George: This is going to get messy.
Boris: Drop the gun, fat boy!
Sol: He's a natural, ain't you Tyrone?
Tyrone: 'course I am...
[reverses into parked van]
Vinny: A natural fucking idiot.
Turkish: It's an unlicensed boxing match. It's not a tickling competition. These
lads are out to hurt each other.
Brick Top: Of course, fucking of course.
Vinny: Replicas? What do you mean, Replicas?
Sol: They look real don't they? I also brought some extra loud blanks just in
Vinny: In case what? In case we have to deafen them to death?
Sol: I'm not in here to make a fucking bet!
Female Bookie: 'Preciate it, but all...bets...are...off. If all bets are off,
then there can't be any money can't there?
Sol: I'm not fucking buying that.
Female Bookie: Well that's handy, 'cause I ain't fucking selling it.
Turkish: You aren't Mister Current Affairs are you? The "Mad Fish"
went mad, and "The Gun" shot himself.
Brick Top: [Into cell phone] Pete, talk to me!
Darren: [Into cell phone] If ya want yer friend to hear ya, you'll have to talk
a lot louder than that.
Tommy: What if Mickey knocks the other guy out?
Turkish: Then I reckon we get murdered before we leave the building, and we get
fed to the pigs.
Tommy: Well, I'm glad to see you're climbing the walls in fucking anxiety.
Turkish: Well, why didn't you "bust a cap in his ass," Tommy?
Bullet Tooth Tony: A bookie's got blagged last night.
Avi: Blagged? Do me a favor, Tony, speak English. I thought this country spawned
the fucking language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.
Vinny: Now I don't want to put a bullet in your face, but if you don't give us
*exactly what we want, there will be murders.
Bullet Tooth Tony: (To Tyrone) What's your name?
Sol: Shoot him.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Ooh.
Franky Four Fingers: So the biblical scholars mis-translated the Hebrew word for
"young woman" into the Greek word for "virgin," which was a
pretty easy mistake to make, since there is only a subtle difference in the
spelling. But back then it was the "virgin" that caught people's
attention. It's not every day a virgin conceives and bears a son. So you keep
that for a couple of hundred years, and the nexy thing you know, you have the
Roman Catholic church.
Brick Top: Are you taking a piss?
Franky Four Fingers: Where is the stone?
Doug the Head: Avi, I'm not telepathic.
Cousin Avi: Well you're plenty fucking stupid, I'll tell you that? Do you know
why they call him Franky "Four Fingers" Doug? Because he makes stupid
bets with dangerous people, and when he doesn't pay up, they give him te chop!
And I'm not talking about his fucking fore-skin either!
Cousin Avi: Did he have a case on him?
Doug the Head: Yes.
Cousin Avi: And this schmuck is gambling?
Doug the Head: Yes, well what's the problem?
Cousin Avi: We're talking about Franky "I've got a problem with
gambling" fucking Four Fingers Doug.
Customs official: Do you have anything to declare, sir?
Avi: Yeah. Don't go to England.
Avi: Should I call you Bullet? Tooth?
Bullet Tooth Tony: You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.
Bullet Tooth Tony: You should never underestimate the predictability of
Brick Top: Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of
retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible
Turkish: Fuck me, hold tight. What's that?
Tommy: It's me belt, Turkish.
Turkish: No, Tommy. There's a gun in your trousers. What's a gun doing in your
Tommy: It's for protection.
Turkish: Protection from what? "Zee Germans"?
Brick Top: In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary... come again.
Turkish: [making tea] Would you like sugar?
Brick Top: No thank you, Turkish; I'm sweet enough.
Turkish: Did you understand one word of what he just said?
Avi: I'm gettin' heartburn. Tony, do something terrible.
Mickey: I bet ya can box a little, can't ya sir? Aye, you look like a boxer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Boris the Blade? As in Boris the Bullet-Dodger?
Avi: Why do they call him the Bullet-Dodger?
Bullet Tooth Tony: 'Cause he dodges bullets, Avi.
Avi: You got a toothbrush? We're going to London. Do you hear that, Doug? I'm
coming to London!
[Avi arrives in London.]
Doug the Head: Avi!
Avi: Sit down and shut up, you big, bald fuck. I don't like leaving my country
Doug, and I especially don't like leaving it for anything less then sandy
beaches, and cocktails with little straw hats!
Doug the Head: Avi, we have warm sunny beaches...
Avi: So? Who the fuck wants to see 'em?
Bullet Tooth Tony: Avi, pull your socks up!!
Avi: London. You know... fish, chips, cup o' tea, bad food, worse weather,
Turkish: You show me how to control a wild fucking gypsy and I'll show you how
to control an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster!
Vinny: Why are we stopped here? What's wrong with that spot?
Tyrone: It's too tight.
Vinny: Too tight? You could land a jumbo fucking jet in that!
Vinny: I thought you said he was a getaway driver. What the fuck can he get away
Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya
are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and
there are little mincey faggot balls.
Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not
clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought
you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot
balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's
no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a
prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little
balls are shrinking with ya. The fact that you've got "Replica"
written down the side of your gun. (withdraws his gun) And the fact that I've
got "Desert Eagle point five O" written on the side of mine, should
precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck
Brick Top: If I throw a dog a bone, I don't want to know if it tastes good or
not. And if you ever interrupt me whilst I'm walking, I'll cut your fucking
Tommy: Who took the jam outta your doughnut?
Turkish: You took the fucking jam outta my doughnut, Tommy, you!
Brick Top: I don't care if he's Muhammad Imar Bruce Lee! You can't change
[Tyrone just backed into Franky Four Fingers' van]
Tyrone: I didn't see it.
Vinny: It's a two fucking ton van Tyrone. Its not as though its a bag of fucking
peanuts now is it?
Tyrone: It was at a funny angle.
[All three turn and look back at the truck.]
Vinny: It's behind you Tyrone. When you reverse, things come at you from behind.
Mickey: Save your breath for cooling your porridge.
Turkish: What's happening with them sausages Charlie?
Sausage Charlie: Five minutes Turkish.
Turkish: It was two minutes five minutes ago.
Turkish: I fail to recognize the corelation between "losing 10K",
"hospitalizing gorgeous" and "a good deal".
[After Turkish tells Tommy that he needs a new caravan.]
Tommy: Anyway, what's wrong with this one?
Turkish: Oh, nothing Tommy.
[pulls the door off the hinges]
Turkish: It's tip top. It's just I'm not that sure about the color.
Brick Top: Gimme that fucking shooter!
Pikey: I'll give you that fucking shooter you cunt hair.
Policeman: So, what you doin here?
Turkish: I'm taking the dog for a walk. What's the problem?
Policeman: What's in the car?
Turkish: Seats and a steering wheel.
Mickey: Degs. D'ya like degs?
Woman: Yeh, degs.
Mickey: Degs, ye like degs?
Tommy: Oh! Dogs! Sure. I like caravans better.