Kenny: What do you mean comin' up in my place and embarrassin' me in front of
my wife, my child and my friends.
Carter: You embarassin' yourself, man, you're a black man with a Chinese
restaurant on Crenshaw.
Kenny: [pointing to Carter] Why are you hangin' with 7-11?
Kenny: Yeah, his mouth never closes.
Lee: I always dreamed of going to Madison Square Gardens, see the Knicks play.
James Carter: New York City?
Lee: First class.
James Carter: The Plaza hotel.
Lee: Maybe some mu shu.
James Carter: I could use another vacation.
James Carter: [Approaching a Chinese soul food restaurant] This is my informer's
place. They got some good ribs here too.
Lee: If you reach for that gun, I'll kill you.
Ricky Tan: Aren't you forgetting? I'm already dead.
Isabella: I need your help.
Lee: Last time you needed my help, I woke up in a truck.
Ricky Tan: You Americans are so funny.
James Carter: And you Asians don't hear too well.
James Carter: Who put their hand on my butt? Do it again.
James Carter: How come you ain't got no black people performing in this casino?
We ain't good enough for you?
Pit Boss: We got Lionel Ritchie!
James Carter: Lionel Ritchie ain't been black since the commodores!
Lee: You still have it?
Kenny: 'Still got my lunch money from the third grade.
James Carter: I'm gonna give you an L.A.P.D ass-whuppin'!
Lee: Let me tell you something about Asians, we never panic.
James Carter: Oh yeah, when Godzilla be coming, y'all be trippin': "Giaca!
Massage Parlor Hostess: Follow her to the Quiet Room.
Carter: Ain't gonna be no quiet room no more.
James Carter: Good kick, Lee!
Lee: It was an accident.
James Carter: That's okay. We'll just say he tried to catch a cab.
[Carter has just been hit on by the gay Versace Salesman.]
James Carter: Did you see that?
Lee: He likes you.
James Carter: I ain't shopping with you no more.
Lee: You owe me a copy of the Beach Boy's greatest hits.
Carter: Don't you go having gettin' an attitude with me Lee. I been here three
days and ain't done nothin' but work your cases. The only reason why I'm here in
Hong Kong is 'cause you said you was gonna show me a good time. I'm on vacation,
man! and I want some mu shu.
Lee: Mushu, you hungry?
Carter: No, not mushu? MU shu. I want to see some women man. Stop playing dumb
and take me to the SHU.
Carter: Aw hell no!
Carter: [to an old lady] Move aside, Kobe!
Hu Li: I think someone better call the police.
Carter: Whoa, man. I ain't going in there!
Lee: Come on!
Carter: There's rats in there!
Lee: There's no rats!
Carter: Look at that rat!
[Lee leaves, and Carter reluctantly follows.]
Carter: Whoa! Slow down Chin!
James Carter: What was that? Did you just pick up another case? Did we just take
another damn case on my vacation?
James Carter: Don't be messing with me, Lee. I will kick your ass. I'll hit you
so hard you'll end up in the Ming Dynasty.
James Carter: There's two million people here in China, let one of them be your
Lee: This is my land. Here, *I* am Michael Jackson and *you* are Toto.
Carter: You mean Tito! Toto is what we ate for dinner last night!
James Carter: Who died, Lee?
James Carter: Detective Yu?
Lee: Not Yu, you!
James Carter: Who?
James Carter: Who?
Lee: Do you understand the words that are a-coming out of my mouth?
James Carter: Don't nobody understand the words that are comin' out of your
[During a fight scene with a bunch of Chinese men]
Carter: [after accidentally punching Lee] Sorry, man!
Carter: All y'all's look alike!
Carter: Lee, let me introduce you to Carter's new theory of criminal
investigation: follow the rich white man.
James Carter: Couldn't help noticin' how she was staring at a brother.
Lee: She never even looked at you.
James Carter: You just jealous, Lee, 'cause women like me. I'm tall, dark and
hansome and you third world ugly.
Lee: I am not third world ugly, women think I'm cute. Like Snoopy.
James Carter: Man, Snoopy is 6 inches taller than you.
[Carter throws Lee's CD out the window]
Lee: That's my CD! Don't you ever touch a Chinese man's CD!
Carter: You know, we could have been a good couple. We could have had something
special. But you one crazy-ass bitch!
Carter: I can't believe I flew 10,000 miles for this shit!
Lee: I will bitch-slap you back to Africa.
[After Isabella kisses Lee]
James Carter: I saw that. You played it smooth too, walkin' away like that.
Lee: Yeah, I'm a player.
[Carter tried to pick up two girls in Chinese]
Carter: All I did was invite them to have a drink.
Lee: You invited them to get naked and sacrifice a small goat.
Carter: Which word was 'goat'?
Carter: [Snatching away a Chinese gangster's towel and looking at him naked] No
wonder you mad!
Ricky Tan: I hate that fortune cookie shit.
Carter: All right, listen up! All the Triads and the ugly women on this side,
and all the fine women on this side, right now!
Carter: Secret Service Agent James Carter, I like the sound of it. Won't be long
before I'm in Washington D.C. protectin' the President.
Lee: We both know you wouldn't take a bullet for someone else.
Carter: Yeah but they don't know that.
Carter: Just tell me how the Triads gonna kill us.
Lee: They will torcher us for three days.
Carter: Okay, I can handle that.
Lee: Then they will cut off our eggrolls.
Carter: Our eggrolls? Oh hell no! We gotta get out of here! Don't give up.
Carter: Why didn't you tell me you had a bomb in your mouth?
James Carter: Why didn't you tell me you had a bomb in your mouth?
Lee: I did.
James Carter: No you did not!
Lee: I said "mmm!"
James Carter: What the hell is "mmm!"
Lee: All he wanted was some Mushu.
Lee: Just try to blend in.
Carter: What do you mean, "blend in"? I'm two feet taller than
everybody in here!
[Carter attempted to speak Chinese to everybody but had no idea what he said]
Carter: What did I just say?
Lee: You told everyone to take out their Samurai swords and shave your butt.
Lee: That's Ricky Tan.
James Carter: That's Ricky Tan? Man, that's a midget in a bathrobe.
Lee: Just follow my lead. Act like a tourist.
Carter: I am a tourist, fool!
Lee: Stop, I'm sick of your bullshit.
Carter: I'm sick of you! I'm not the one running up in Karaoke bars full of
gangsters. And I'm not the one running up in massage parlors looking for crime
Carter: [To Lee at a massage parlor] Lee, you never step in front of a black man
at a buffet line.
Carter: [In a casino] My people did not go through 362 years of slavery just so
you could send us back to the cotton fields with $500 chips!
James Carter: [In a casino] I have a dream! That one day, white people, and
black people... and Chinese people, can gamble together with the same number of
James Carter: I have a dream--that white people and black people...And Chinese
people can gamble together with the same amount of chips.
Lee: I'm sorry.
Carter: You sorry? I've got some old man's chopsticks stuck up my ass and all
you can say is sorry!?
Carter: I fell off a building, I got beat on, and ran through Hong Kong butt
naked. I'm outta here!
Lee: Carter, you don't understand.
Carter: Oh I understand, man. I got knocked off a building, I got beat on, I got
stripped butt-naked and you held out on me. I'm outta here.
[About to fight Hu Li]
James Carter: I'm gonna pretend you a man. A very beautiful man with a great
body that I'd like to take to the movies.
Versace Salesman: Mmmm, butter cream, butter cream, alligator, butter cream.
Carter: I'm from Los Angeles, we invented gangs.
Carter: I'm tall, dark and handsome, and you're third world ugly.
Carter: I don't like my chickens alive, I like 'em dead and deep fried. You ever
heard of Popeye's?
Carter: When the shootin started, he was way too cool. And normally when there's
shootin white people aren't that cool, man. They either run around in circles,
Lee: You sound like that all the time!
Carter: No, I'm Lee's new muscle. And don't let this robe fool you, this is the
only color they had left.
Carter: If you ain't gonna shoot him Kung-Fu his ass or somethin'.
Massage Parlor Hostess: You ever have massage by Chinese girl before?
James Carter: No, but I heard it was the bomb.
James Carter: Now why did you say it was a bomb.
Lee: You said it was a bomb!
James Carter: I did not.
Lee: In the hotel, you said it was a bomb.
James Carter: I said 'she was the bomb'.
Lee: She was the bomb?
Lee: Where did you learn that?
Kenny: Master Ching.
Lee: Master Ching of Hong Kong?
Kenny: No, Freddy Ching on Crenshaw.
Lee: They're brothers.