A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley Quote

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.
- Robert Benchley Quote

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.
- Robert Benchley Quote

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.
- Robert Benchley Quote

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.
- Robert Benchley Quote

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.
- Robert Benchley Quote

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.
- Robert Benchley Quote

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
- Robert Benchley Quote

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.
- Robert Benchley Quote

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.
- Robert Benchley Quote

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
- Robert Benchley Quote

There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.
- Robert Benchley Quote

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.
- Robert Benchley Quote

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.
- Robert Benchley Quote

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
- Robert Benchley Quote