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[Riggs confronts Rudd and his minions in their office]
Martin Riggs: Hey, don't bother calling the police. I'm here already.
Arjen Rudd: I should have known.
Martin Riggs: Well, well... it's the master race!
Arjen Rudd: I hope you realize the trouble you are in right now.
Martin Riggs: Well, as usual, you people have everything all upside down and turned around and back to front.

Martin Riggs: I'm surprised you haven't heard of me, I got a bad reputation, like sometimes I just go nuts like now ha ha!!

Rika Van Den Haas: What are you doing here?
Martin Riggs: Oh, I've just been upstairs with your boss, shooting the breeze.... shooting his fish.

Rika Van Den Haas: Rudd's hiding behind his diplomatic credentials.
Riggs: He's not a good guy, your boss.
Rika Van Den Haas: Then whatever he's doing, he shouldn't get away with it.

[Riggs and Rika are in bed.]
Riggs: I think it's time for the seventh inning stretch.
Riggs: That's a baseball expression.
Rika: I know. But we're only up to the fourth inning.

Pieter Vorstedt: I was going to offer you a drink, Riggs, but I hear you're on the wagon these days.
Martin Riggs: Yeah, that stuff'll kill you quick. Listen, you know so much about me; who the hell are you?
Pieter Vorstedt: Vorstedt: I'm the guy that changes the course of your life, man. 4 years ago, Riggs, when you were a narc off Long Beach, you were getting too close to us so we put a contract out on you. I handled it myself; drove your car right off the fucking road, remember? Now, of course, you weren't driving. You can't imagine the surprise. I pulled back this matted mop of blood-soaked hair to see this woman's face... your wife, right? She didn't die straightaway... took a bit of time.
[Riggs angrily charges for Vorstedt, but is restrained]
Pieter Vorstedt: Don't know much luck with women, do you, Riggs?

[After shooting 2 criminals with a nail gun]
Roger Murtaugh: Nailed you both!

Pieter Vorstedt: Diplomatic immunity!
Roger Murtaugh: [Shoots him] It's just been revoked.

Murtaugh: You are not dead until I tell you! Got that Riggs?

[Shouting at the driver while hanging onto the bonnet of a moving car]
Martin Riggs: I'd like to see your drivers license and proof of insurance!
[Riggs falls of the car]

[After a wild car chase, the car looks like a wreck]
Roger Murtaugh: This was a new car, Riggs...
Martin Riggs: Well, it still is!

Capt. Murphy: Murtaugh, all that damage you caused downtown is comin' out of the department's budget!
Roger: Fine. Pay it off in Krugerrands.
Capt. Murphy: Don't make jokes, Murtaugh, make arrests!

Arjen Rudd: Certain policemen in this city have become an intolerable nuisance. They are obviously onto us again. How do you propose to handle the situation?
Pieter Vorstedt: Warn them off. It's my experience that a scared cop is more useful than a dead one.
Arjen Rudd: A warning...is that not a bit tame?
Pieter Vorstedt: Depends how you do it.

[Riggs has dislocated his shoulder to escaped from a straight-jacket for a bet]
Detective: How the hell do you do that man?
Martin Riggs: Well, I dislocated my shoulder one time and I can do it whenever I want.
Detective: God damn Man, doesn't that hurt?
Martin Riggs: Yes it does but not as much as when I put it back in!
[Slams his shoulder into an office partition wall]

Martin Riggs: Well if it isn't Mrs Sigmund Freud.
Dr. Stephanie Woods: My door is always open.
Martin Riggs: Well, I think we should keep this on a professional level, don't you Doc?
Dr. Stephanie Woods: Why do you do this to yourself Riggs?
Martin Riggs: Well, who else am I supposed to do it to? None of them'll let me. Besides, I need the money.

Martin Riggs: Hey, this is a real nice hobby room. All you need now is a hobby!

[McGee uses a nail gun, Riggs and Murtaugh drop to the floor, guns drawn]
Mickey McGee: Hey, Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with you guys?
Martin Riggs: I'm sorry, that's very uncool.
Mickey McGee: You're sorry! I nearly shit my shorts for Christ's sake!

Roger Murtaugh: George... Home!.. Out!
George: But sir, I...
Roger Murtaugh: George, I got a gun!
George: Yes Sir!

[After seeing Rianne's commercial on TV]
Martin Riggs: Hey what's with you Rog? She was great, she was beautiful.
Mickey McGee: Yeah, I liked it. She made me want to go out and buy rubbers right now!

George: Mr. Murtaugh has a gun.
Martin Riggs: Yeah, but it's an old gun and he's not a very good shot.

[Ribbing Murtaugh about his daughter's television ad for condoms.]
Riggs: In one ear, out the RUBBER...

[Riggs sitting by the shore with his dog, Sam]
Martin Riggs: Hey, did anyone ever tell you if you sit on the rocks too long, you get piles? Come on, lets get out of here.

Martin Riggs: This stinks!
Capt. Murphy: I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a fuck."

[Riggs is smoking in the Captain's office]
Capt. Murphy: And Riggs.
Martin Riggs: What?
[Murphy throws Riggs a no smoking sign]
Capt. Murphy: You know what that says?
Martin Riggs: Yeah, the same thing as that.
[Pointing to a no smoking sign on the door]
Martin Riggs: But I don't give a fuck!

Martin Riggs: Police! Open up!
Leo Getz: How do I know it's the police?
Martin Riggs: After I shoot you through the door, you can examine the bullet. Open up!

[After Riggs and Leo have a rude confrontation]
Leo Getz: Oh I get it.
[Points to Riggs then Murtaugh]
Leo Getz: Bad cop, good cop.
Roger Murtaugh: Shut up.
Leo Getz: Oh okay, bad cop, bad cop.

Leo Getz: I'm Leo Getz, and whatever you want, Leo gets.

Martin Riggs: Where were you man? You my partner or what? Why didn't you follow me down?
Leo Getz: Yeah, why didn't you follow him down?
Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! From seven floors up?

Riggs: We're back, we're bad, you're black, I'm mad.

[Admiring the view over L.A.]
Roger Murtaugh: That's downtown L.A. How would you like to have a house up here?
Martin Riggs: Well, it would be okay on the three days of the year when you can actually see it!

[Leo Getz explaining money laundering]
Leo Getz: Okay, okay, okay, okay, this is the best part okay? You make a tax deduction on interest payments you don't even make! Am I an innovator? Am I a genius?
Martin Riggs: You're a swindler!
Roger Murtaugh: Cheat!
Leo Getz: Everyone cheats a little bit... look at the Pentagon!

Pieter Vorstedt: what is going on down here?
Martin Riggs: Freeze dickhead! Get down here dickhead. Come on, it's been a bad day!

Rudd: Now we DO have a serious diplomatic situation here, which I will be taking up with your state department first thing in the morning.
Riggs: Whoa, you got me quakin' in my boots, but I'm still gonna bring you down.
Rudd: My dear officer, you could not even give me a parking ticket!

[After receiving the wrong order at the drive-thru]
Leo Getz: They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru, okay? They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru! They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked! They know you're not gonna turn around and go back, they don't care. So who gets fucked? Ol' Leo Getz! Okay, sure! I don't give a fuck! I'm not eating this tuna, okay?

[Roger is sitting on a boobytrapped toilet.]
Roger: Why didn't they plant the bomb in Trish's stove?
Riggs: Yeah. Think of all the needless suffering that could've ended there!
[both laugh]
Roger: I'm gonna die on a toilet, aren't I?
Riggs: Guys like you don't die on toilets.

[About to pull Murtaugh off the booby-trapped toilet]
Martin Riggs: On 3, what do ya say?
Roger Murtaugh: Okay
Martin Riggs: 1...2..
Roger Murtaugh: Wait, wait, wait!
Martin Riggs: What?
Roger Murtaugh: Do we do it on 3? Or 1, 2, 3 then do it?
Martin Riggs: it's your ass co-cheese!
Roger Murtaugh: My ass, yeah. On 3.
Martin Riggs: we go on 3?
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah

[Murtaugh is lying on top of Riggs in the bath, after the explosion]
Martin Riggs: Get off me man! I don't want anybody to see us like this!

[At the South African Consulate]
Roger Murtaugh: How you doin'?
[His handshake is ignored by the Envoy]
Consulate Envoy: I think there must be some mistake.
Roger Murtaugh: Say what?
Consulate Envoy: Listen to your friend here, he knows what he's talking about. I don't think you want to go to South Africa.
Roger Murtaugh: Why not?
Consulate Envoy: Because you're black!
[Leo To Murtaugh]
Leo Getz: you are.
[Leo to Envoy]
Leo Getz: He is.

Category: Movie Quotes