Kev: This is my house, I have to defend it.

Kev: You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?

Marv: Kids are scared of the dark.
Harry: You're afraid of the dark, too, Marv!

Kev: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?
Clerk: I don't know, hon. It doesn't say.
Kev: Well could you please find out?

Kev: This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone.

Kev: I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.

Marv: He's only a kid Harry. We can take him.

Kev: Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hida bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz McCallister: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass!

Kate McCallister: How could we do this? We forgot him!
Peter McCallister: We didn't forget him. We just miscounted.
Kate McCallister: What kind of a mother am I?
Frank McCallister: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.

Gangster 'Johnny' (On T.V.): I'm gonna give ya, to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keester off my property. Before I pump your guts fulla lead. One, two, ten!
[pumps Gangster 'Snakes' guts fulla lead]
Gangster 'Johnny' (On T.V.): . Keep the change, you filthy animal.

Mitch Murphy: Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy - I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. Do you know that the McCallisters' are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do you know if these vans get good mileage?
Airport Driver: Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road!