Dickerson: This is not military issue, airman. What sort of uniform is that?
Adrian Cronauer: Cretan camouflage sir. If you want to blend in with a bunch of
drunken Greeks there's nothing better.
Dickerson: That is humor. I recognize that. I also recognize your brand of
Lt. Hauk: Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.
Lt. Steven Hauk: First of all, don't make fun of the weather here, and don't say
the weather is the same all the time here. Because it's not. In fact, it's two
degrees colder today than yesterday.
Adrian Cronauer: Two degrees colder, me without my muff.
[imitating Walter Cronkite]
Adrian Cronauer: I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what
it is, what it shall be, what it was. The weather out there today is hot and
shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of
continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north.
Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.
Adrian Cronauer: Mantovani? They feed Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond
to strong drugs!
Adrian Cronauer: Goooooooood morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test! This is
rock and roll! Time to rock it from the Delta to the D.M.Z.!
Lt. Steven Hauk: Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music,
not weird stuff. Those who we'd find acceptable here would include Lawrence Welk,
Jim Nabors, Mantovani ...
Adrian Cronauer: ... Percy Faith ...
Lt. Steven Hauk: Percy Faith ... good! ... Andy Williams, Perry Como, and
certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra.
Adrian Cronauer: Would Bob Dylan be outta line?
[Lt. Steven Hauk uses Army jargon to refer to a press conference to be given by
former Vice-President Nixon.]
Adrian Cronauer: Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P.,
shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause of the leaks to the V.C. he could
end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P.
Edward Garlick: "Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off of a dead mans
balls." I have no idea what that means, but it seems very negative to me.
Adrian Cronauer: You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in
Sgt. Major Dickerson: [Pointing to his rank insignia.] What does three up and
three down mean to you, airman?
Adrian Cronauer: End of an inning?
Adrian Cronauer: The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today.
What is a protective dike? Is it a large woman that says "Don't go near
there! Don't go down by the river!" ...No, we can't say "dyke" on
the air, we can't even say "lesbian" anymore, it's "women in
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: "Good morning, Vietnam." What the heck is that
supposed to mean?
Private Abersold: I don't know, Lieutenant, I guess it means good morning,
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: And who gave him permission to play modern music?
[Listening to Cronauer]
Private Abersold: You know, he's funny, he's like a Marx Brother.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: And which Marx Brother would that be, Private? Zeppo? I
don't find him funny at all.
Private Abersold: Zeppo? Wasn't he the one with the hat?
Adrian Cronauer: You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. And
I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. Normally I go
out with girls who talk so much you could hook them up to a wind turbine and
they could power a small New Hampshire town.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: You're not gonna last long here, pal.
Adrian Cronauer: You can always send me back to Crete.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: Oh, you think this is a joke. I can come up with
alternatives other than Crete and I'm real good at stuff like that. I got people
stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet. You don't
think I can come up with something good? Can you envision some fairly
Adrian Cronauer: Not without slides.
Adrian Cronauer: Hey, we're back. That last two seconds of silence was Marcel
Marceau's newest hit single, "Walkin In The Wind." And now, here are
the headlines. Here they come right now. Pope actually found to be Jewish.
Liberace is Anastasia and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. The East Germans,
today, claimed the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. Also the Pope decided
today to release Vatican-related bath products. An incredible thing, yes, it's
the new Pope On A Rope. That's right. Pope On A Rope. Wash with it, go straight
to heaven. Thank you.
Adrian Cronauer: Here's a news flash: Today President Lyndon Johnson passed a
highway beautification bill. The bill basically said that his daughters could
not drive in a Convertible on public highways.
[commenting on the Vietnamese women]
Adrian Cronauer: Oooh my God! They're quick, and fast, and they're small. YES! I
feel like a fox in a chicken coup.
Adrian Cronauer: Mayday! Mayday! Dragon-Lady with incredible figure at 11
o'clock! Stop the car.
Edward Garlick: I can't do that, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: Aw, Edward, you don't understand. I've been on a small Greek
island with a lot of women who look like Zorba, I never thought I'd find women
attractive ever again. And now that I do, you won't even turn the car around?
Thanks a lot.
Edward Garlick: You have a very important meeting with the top brass-
Adrian Cronauer: -Oh, there she is again! How did she get ahead of us?
Edward Garlick: That's another person, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: She's beautiful and quick. Speed up, check her stamina. Oh my
God, they're quick, they're fast, and small. Ha, ha, ha, ha! I feel like a fox
in a chicken coop!