[Charles comes running after Carrie]
Charles: Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid
question and..., particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I
just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've
only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh,
in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David
Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I
think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't
like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not...
Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to
disturb... Better get on...
Carrie: That was very romantic.
Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.
Charles: How do you do, my name is Charles.
Old man: Don't be ridiculous, Charles died 20 years ago!
Charles: Must be a different Charles, I think.
Old man: Are you telling me I don't know my own brother!
Charles: No, no.
Charles: All these weddings, all these years, all that blasted salmon and
champagne and here I am on my own wedding day, and I'm... eh... em... eh...
Matthew: Well, can I ask about what?
Charles: No... no... I think, best not.
Matthew: Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings; he said it was easier to
get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being
involved in. In order to prepare this speech I rang a few people to get a
general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him. "Fat"
seems to have been a word people most connected with him. "Terribly
rude" also rang a lot of bells. So "very fat" and "very
rude" seems to have been the stranger's viewpoint. On the other hand, some
of you have been kind enough to ring me to let me know that you loved him, which
I know he would have been thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous
hospitality and his strange experimental cooking. The recipe for "Duck a la
Banana" fortunately goes with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of
his enormous capacity for joy, and when joyful... when joyful, for highly vocal
drunkenness; but I hope "joyful" is how you will remember him. Not
stuck in a box in a church! Pick your favorite of his waistcoats and remember
him that way! The most splendid, replete, big-hearted... weak-hearted, as it
turned out... and jolly bugger that most of us ever met! As for me, you may ask
how I will remember him; what I thought of him. Unfortunately, there I run out
[Carrie asks Charles' opinion on her wedding dress.]
Charles: It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a
wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yech!
Charles: Do you think there really are people who can just go up and say,
"Hi, babe. Name's Charles. This is your lucky night"?
Matthew: Well, if there are, they're not English.
Angus the Groom: Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm
in real trouble.
Charles: Marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in
Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.
[At a wedding]
Old lady: Are you married?
Old lady: Are you a lesbian?
Fiona: Good lord! What makes you ask that?
Old lady: Well, it is one of the possibilites for unmarried girls nowadays, and
it's rather more interesting than saying, "Oh dear, never met the right
Fiona: Quite right. Why be dull?
Old lady: Thank you.
Fiona: I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about fifteen minutes.
Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married,
Matthew: It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause
you haven't met the right girl.
Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I
meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.
Young Bridesmaid: What's bonking?
Scarlett: Well, it's kinda like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls.
Scarlett: They say rubber's mainly for perverts. Don't know why. Think it's very
practical, actually. I mean, you spill anything on it and it just comes off. I
suppose that could be why the perverts like it.
Tom: I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the
look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the
question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well,
apart from the divorce and all that.
Tom: The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are
less suspicious of you.
Father Gerald: In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spigot.
Carrie: Our timing has been very bad.
Charles: Yes it has been. Very bad.
Carrie: It's been a disaster.
Charles: It has been, as you say, very bad indeed.
Charles: Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?
Fiona: The name's Carrie.
Fiona: Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now. Only gets out with very
glamorous people. Quite out of your league.
Charles: Well, that's a relief. Thanks.
Tom: Splendid, I thought. What did you think?
Bernard: I, thought, splendid! What did you think?
Tom: Splendid, I thought.