Major T. J. "King" Kong: Goldie, how many times have I told you
guys that I don't want no horsing around on the airplane?
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic,
and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of
earphones. You sure you got today's codes?
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear
combat toe to toe with the Roosskies. Now look, boys, I ain't much of a hand at
makin' speeches, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggone important
is goin' on back there. And I got a fair idea the kinda personal emotions that
some of you fellas may be thinkin'. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be human
bein's if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelin's about nuclear
combat. I want you to remember one thing, the folks back home is a-countin' on
you and by golly, we ain't about to let 'em down. I tell you something else, if
this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I'd
say that you're all in line for some important promotions and personal citations
when this thing's over with. That goes for ever' last one of you regardless of
your race, color or your creed. Now let's get this thing on the hump - we got
some flyin' to do.
Miss Scott: It's 3 o'clock in the morning!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Weh-heh-heh-ll, the Air Force never sleeps.
Miss Scott: Buck, honey, I'm not sleepy either...
General "Buck" Turgidson: I know how it is, baby. Tell you what you
do: you just start your countdown, and old Bucky'll be back here before you can
say "Blast off!"
General Jack D. Ripper: Your Commie has no regard for human life. Not even his
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Erm, what about the planes, sir? Surely we must
issue the recall code immediately.
General Jack D. Ripper: Group Captain, the planes are not gonna be recalled. My
attack orders have been issued, and the orders stand.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, if you'll excuse me saying so, sir, that
would be, to my way of thinking, rather... well, rather an odd way of looking at
it. You see, if a Russian attack was in progress, we would certainly not be
hearing civilian broadcast.
General Jack D. Ripper: Are you certain of that, Mandrake?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Oh, I'm absolutely positive about it.
General Jack D. Ripper: And what if it is true?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, I'm afraid I'm still not with you, sir,
because, I mean, if a Russian attack was not in progress, then your use of Plan
R - in fact, your order to the entire Wing... Oh. I would say, sir, that there
were something dreadfully wrong somewhere.
General Jack D. Ripper: Now why don't you just take it easy, Group Captain, and
please make me a drink of grain alcohol and rainwater, and help yourself to
whatever you'd like.
[Mandrake snaps to attention and salutes]
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: General Ripper, Sir, as an officer in Her Majesty's
Air Force, it is my clear duty, under the present circumstances, to issue the
recall code, upon my own authority, and bring back the Wing. If you'll excuse
[He finds the doors locked.]
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: I'm afraid, sir, I must ask you for the key, and
the recall code. Have you got them handy, sir?
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No, I don't think I do, sir, no.
General Jack D. Ripper: He said war was too important to be left to the
generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today,
war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the
training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back
and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion
and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our
precious bodily fluids.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, about, uh, 35 minutes ago,
General Jack Ripper, the commanding general of, uh, Burpelson Air Force Base,
issued an order to the 34 B-52's of his Wing, which were airborne at the time as
part of a special exercise we were holding called Operation Drop-Kick. Now, it
appears that the order called for the planes to, uh, attack their targets inside
Russia. The, uh, planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an average
load of, um, 40 megatons each. Now, the central display of Russia will indicate
the position of the planes. The triangles are their primary targets; the squares
are their secondary targets. The aircraft will begin penetrating Russian radar
cover within, uh, 25 minutes.
President Merkin Muffley: General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to
understand. I was under the impression that I was the only one in authority to
order the use of nuclear weapons.
General "Buck" Turgidson: That's right, sir, you are the only person
authorized to do so. And although I, uh, hate to judge before all the facts are
in, it's beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority.
General "Buck" Turgidson: I don't think it's quite fair to condemn a
whole program because of a single slip-up.
General "Buck" Turgidson: General Ripper called Strategic Air Command
headquarters shortly after he issued the go code. I have a phone transcript of
that conversation if you'd like me to to read it.
President Merkin Muffley: Read it!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Ahem.. The Duty Officer asked General Ripper
to confirm the fact that he *had* issued the go code, and he said, uh, "Yes
gentlemen, they are on their way in, and nobody can bring them back. For the
sake of our country, and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in
after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation. Uh, my
boys will give you the best kind of start, 1400 megatons worth, and you sure as
hell won't stop them now, uhuh. Uh, so let's get going, there's no other choice.
God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true
health, through the purity and essence of our natural.. fluids. God bless you
all" and he hung up.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Uh, we're, still trying to figure out the
meaning of that last phrase, sir.
President Merkin Muffley: There's nothing to figure out, General Turgidson. This
man is obviously a psychotic.
General "Buck" Turgidson: We-he-ell, uh, I'd like to hold off
judgement on a thing like that, sir, until all the facts are in.
President Merkin Muffley: General Turgidson! When you instituted the human
reliability tests, you *assured* me there was *no* possibility of such a thing
General "Buck" Turgidson: Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to
condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.
[Turgidson advocates a further nuclear attack to prevent a Soviet response to
General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a
moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our
nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to
make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless
*distinguishable*, postwar environments: one where you got twenty million people
killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed.
President Merkin Muffley: You're talking about mass murder, General, not war!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't
get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed,
tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Survival kit contents check. In them you'll
find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days'
concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine,
vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature
combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one
hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics;
three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a
pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.
President Merkin Muffley: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War
[The President calls the Soviet Premier.]
President Merkin Muffley: [to Kissoff] Hello? ... Ah ... I can't hear too well.
Do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little? ... Oh-ho, that's
much better. ... yeah ... huh ... yes ... Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri. ...
Clear and plain and coming through fine. ... I'm coming through fine, too, eh?
... Good, then ... well, then, as you say, we're both coming through fine. ...
Good. ... Well, it's good that you're fine and ... and I'm fine. ... I agree
with you, it's great to be fine. ... a-ha-ha-ha-ha ... Now then, Dmitri, you
know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with
the Bomb. ... The *Bomb*, Dmitri. ... The *hydrogen* bomb! ... Well now, what
happened is ... ah ... one of our base commanders, he had a sort of ... well, he
went a little funny in the head ... you know ... just a little ... funny. And,
ah ... he went and did a silly thing. ... Well, I'll tell you what he did. He
ordered his planes ... to attack your country... Ah... Well, let me finish,
Dmitri. ... Let me finish, Dmitri. ... Well listen, how do you think I feel
about it?! ... Can you *imagine* how I feel about it, Dmitri? ... Why do you
think I'm calling you? Just to say hello? ... *Of course* I like to speak to
you! ... *Of course* I like to say hello! ... Not now, but anytime, Dmitri. I'm
just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened... It's a *friendly*
call. Of course it's a friendly call. ... Listen, if it wasn't friendly ... you
probably wouldn't have even got it. ... They will *not* reach their targets for
at least another hour. ... I am ... I am positive, Dmitri. ... Listen, I've been
all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick. ... Well, I'll tell you.
We'd like to give your air staff a complete run-down on the targets, the flight
plans, and the defensive systems of the planes. ... Yes! I mean i-i-i-if we're
unable to recall the planes, then ... I'd say that, ah ... well, ah ... we're
just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dmitri. ... I know they're our boys.
... All right, well listen now. Who should we call? ... *Who* should we call,
Dmitri? The ... wha-whe, the People... you, sorry, you faded away there. ... The
People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. ... Where is that, Dmitri? ... In
Omsk. ... Right. ... Yes. ... Oh, you'll call them first, will you? ... Uh-huh
... Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dmitri? ... Whe-ah,
what? I see, just ask for Omsk information. ... Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm ... I'm sorry,
too, Dmitri. ... I'm very sorry. ... *All right*, you're sorrier than I am, but
I am as sorry as well. ... I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri! Don't say that
you're more sorry than I am, because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you
are. ... So we're both sorry, all right?! ... All right.
[After learning of the Doomsday Machine]
President Merkin Muffley: But this is absolute madness, Ambassador! Why should
you *build* such a thing?
Ambassador de Sadesky: There were those of us who fought against it, but in the
end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space
race, and the peace race. At the same time our people grumbled for more nylons
and washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what
we had been spending on defense in a single year. The deciding factor was when
we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid
of a doomsday gap.
President Merkin Muffley: This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything
Ambassador de Sadesky: Our source was the New York Times.
[Strangelove admits that he investigated making such a machine.]
Dr. Strangelove: Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that
this idea was not a practical deterrent for reasons which at this moment must be
all too obvious.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to
fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour,
fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children's
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Lord, Jack.
General Jack D. Ripper: You know when fluoridation first began?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: I... no, no. I don't, Jack.
General Jack D. Ripper: Nineteen hundred and forty-six. Nineteen forty-six,
Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's
incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our
precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly
without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, Jack, Jack, listen, tell me, tell me, Jack.
When did you first... become... well, develop this theory?
General Jack D. Ripper: Well, I, uh... I... I... first became aware of it,
Mandrake, during the physical act of love.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.
General Jack D. Ripper: Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue... a feeling of
emptiness followed. Luckily I... I was able to interpret these feelings
correctly. Loss of essence.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.
General Jack D. Ripper: I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women
uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not
avoid women, Mandrake.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No.
General Jack D. Ripper: But I... I do deny them my essence.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Well boys, we got three engines out, we got
more holes in us than a horse trader's mule, the radio is gone and we're leaking
fuel and if we was flying any lower why we'd need sleigh bells on this thing...
but we got one little budge on those Roosskies. At this height why thy might
harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen!
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel! Colonel, I must know what you think has
been going on here!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: You wanna know what I think?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Yes!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. I
think General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were
organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now MOVE!!
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel... that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to
shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.
Colonel "Bat" Guano: That's private property.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to
happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn
that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States?
Can you imagine?! Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are
for, you twit!!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you
don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's
gonna happen to you?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: What?!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola
General "Buck" Turgidson: If the pilot's good, I mean if he's reeeally
sharp, he can barrel that thing in so low, oh it's a sight to see. You wouldn't
expect it with a big ol' plane like a '52, but varrrooom! The jet exhaust...
frying chickens in the barnyard!
Dr. Strangelove: Sir! I have a plan!
[standing up from his wheelchair]
Dr. Strangelove: Mein Furher! I Can walk!
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Stay on the bomb run, boys! I'm gonna get
them doors open if it harelips ever'body on Bear Creek!!
Dr. Strangelove: It is not only possible, it is essential.
[President Muffley wants to allow the the Russian Ambassador in the war room]
General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, you can't just let the
Russian Ambassador in the war room! He-he might see the Big Board!
General Jack D. Ripper: Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and
dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.
[General Turgenson's phone rings in the war room]
General "Buck" Turgidson: Hello.. (whispering)look, I told you never
to call me here, don't you know where I am?!?... Well look, baby, I c-, I
*can't* talk to you now.. my president needs me!.. Of *course* Bucky'd rather be
there with you!.. Of *course* it isn't only physical!.. I deeply respect you as
a human being.. Some day I'm gonna make you *Mrs* Buck Turgidson!.. Ah, listen
uh, you just go back to sleep hon, and Bucky'll be back there just as soon as he
can.. Alright,.. listen, sug, don't forget to say your prayers!!