Randal Graves: People dictate their own behavior.

Dante Hicks: You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up, you get us thrown out of a funeral by violating the corpse, and then to top it off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?

Dante Hicks: Theoretically, people see money on the counter, and no one around, they think they're being watched.
Veronica: Honesty through paranoia.

Silent Bob: [T]here's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But, they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.

Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer.

Randal Graves: Salsa shark. We're gonna need a bigger boat. Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa, shark's in the salsa.

Randal Graves: People say crazy sh** during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."

Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back?"
Dante Hicks: "Empire."
Randal Graves: Blasphemy.
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader is his father, uh, Han gets frozen, taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

Randal Graves: There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Randal Graves: I could do without the people in the video store.
Dante Hicks: Which ones?
Randal Graves: All of them.

Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working on my day off, the steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward-assed fu** on the planet, I smell like shoe polish, my ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fu**ing a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked thirty-six dicks.
Randal Graves: Thirty-seven.

Dante Hicks: You hate people!
Randal Graves: But, I love gatherings, isn't it ironic?

Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.

Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fu**ing customers.

Caged Animal
Masturbator: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.