Randal Graves: People dictate their own behavior.
Dante Hicks: You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I
have to patch everything up, you get us thrown out of a funeral by violating the
corpse, and then to top it off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your
encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?
Dante Hicks: Theoretically, people see money on the counter, and no one around,
they think they're being watched.
Veronica: Honesty through paranoia.
Silent Bob: [T]here's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But, they
don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer.
Randal Graves: Salsa shark. We're gonna need a bigger boat. Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa, shark's in the salsa.
Randal Graves: People say crazy sh** during sex. One time I called this girl
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire
Dante Hicks: "Empire."
Randal Graves: Blasphemy.
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. Luke gets his hand cut
off, finds out Vader is his father, uh, Han gets frozen, taken away by Boba Fett.
It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down
endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
Randal Graves: There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the
shortcomings of others, is there?
Randal Graves: I could do without the people in the video store.
Dante Hicks: Which ones?
Randal Graves: All of them.
Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working
on my day off, the steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward-assed
fu** on the planet, I smell like shoe polish, my ex-girlfriend is catatonic
after fu**ing a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked thirty-six dicks.
Randal Graves: Thirty-seven.
Dante Hicks: You hate people!
Randal Graves: But, I love gatherings, isn't it ironic?
Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.
Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fu**ing customers.
Masturbator: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's
why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.