Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
- Billy Connolly Quote

I�ve come in and out of America for� well, I�ve lived here for 15 years. And I�ve played here for nearly 30 years. On and off. But I�ve always played to my fan base. And I can come and do two or three nights in New York or two or three nights in L.A., and all that. But when I go away, nobody knows I�ve been gone. You know, I don�t get reviewed or anything like that. So that�s why I�ve come back and done a longer time in a smaller place, in New York. It�s always the people who live here that get a chance to know me.
- Billy Connolly Quote (QuickStopEntertainment, March 2007)

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
- Billy Connolly Quote

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
- Billy Connolly Quote

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
- Billy Connolly Quote

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
- Billy Connolly Quote

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
- Billy Connolly Quote

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
- Billy Connolly Quote

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
- Billy Connolly Quote

Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?
- Billy Connolly Quote (BBC Films, about "The Man Who Sued God")