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Dr. Ben Sobol: What is my goal here, to make you a happy, well-adjusted gangster?

Dr. Ben Sobol: When I got into family therapy, this was not the "family" I had in mind!

Guard: What kind of sandwich ain't too fattening?
Jelly: A half a sandwich.

[After receiving a lavish gift from Vitti.]
Dr. Ben Sobol: Call the Vatican. See if something is missing.

Boss Paul Vitti: [to Dr. Sobel] If I turn fag, you die.

Boss Paul Vitti: You did nothing for me! You did nothing! I'm still fucked up!
Dr. Ben Sobol: Hey, what do you expect? I saw you for five minutes! I can't work miracles, Mr. Viti! And let me tell you something, I do not appreciate it when someone wakes me up and drags me out of my hotel room in the middle of the night. I have a life, Mr. Viti, I have a family, I have a serious practice, and I don't have time for your BULLSHIT! ...That kind of got away from me at the end.

[On why he needs a mistress, besides his wife]
Boss Paul Vitti: She kisses my kids with that mouth!

Dr. Ben Sobol: Oedipus was a Greek king who killed his father and married his mother.
Boss Paul Vitti: Fuckin' Greeks.

Dominic: Times are changing. You've got to change with the times.
Boss Paul Vitti: What, am I supposed to get a fuckin' website?

Boss Paul Vitti: You know me?
Dr. Ben Sobol: Yes.
Boss Paul Vitti: No you don't.
Dr. Ben Sobol: Okay.
Boss Paul Vitti: You see my picture in the paper?
Dr. Ben Sobol: Yes.
Boss Paul Vitti: No you didn't.
Dr. Ben Sobol: I don't even get the paper.

Boss Paul Vitti: I wasn't really gonna whack you.
Dr. Ben Sobol: Paul...
Boss Paul Vitti: Okay, I was gonna whack you. But I was real conflicted about it.

Dr. Ben Sobol: Let me get this straight: you flew all the way down to Miami and kidnapped me from my hotel room in the middle of the night just because you couldn't get an erection?
Boss Paul Vitti: Don't that prove I'm motivated?
Dr. Ben Sobol: You know, you can take a pill for that.
Boss Paul Vitti: Nah, you start with the pills next thing you know you're putting in hydraulics. A hard-on should be achieved legitimately or it shouldn't be achieved at all.
Dr. Ben Sobol: Hmm, I think Mark Twain said that, didn't he?

Primo: I'd like to see a movie, but it's nothing but this shoot-em-up action bullshit. I get enough of that at work.

Michael Sobel: Was that really Paul Vitti?
Dr. Ben Sobol: Well, I didn't ask to see his Mafia decoder ring, but yes.

Jimmy: You think those whales piss in that water?
Jelly: No, I think they use the men's room next to the Burger King.

[Preparing to kill him.]
Jelly: Sorry, Doc. Nothing personal.
Dr. Ben Sobol: Don't kid yourself, Jelly, it doesn't get more personal.

Dr. Ben Sobol: They threw me in the shark tank. The shark tank!
Boss Paul Vitti: They were trying to make a point.
Dr. Ben Sobol: What, that you're a scary guy? Believe me, I get it.

Boss Paul Vitti: And the milk was black.
Jelly: That's fuckin' weird!!!!

Michael Sobel: Dad has a patient who thinks he shits trout.

Dr. Ben Sobol: I'm a psychiatrist. Believe me, I can be vague.

Boss Paul Vitti: I feel the juices rushing down to my balls as I speak with you.

Dr. Ben Sobol: Paul, you have to channel all this nice grief into a murderous rage!

Dr. Ben Sobol: You don't hear the word "no" a lot, do you?
Boss Paul Vitti: Well, it's more like "no, no, please?"

Boss Paul Vitti: I was Fredo? I don't think so.

Boss Paul Vitti: [To the 'Captain'] Hey, why don't you look over that way before I bust you in your fuckin' head!

Dr. Ben Sobol: I am redefining weird on an hourly basis.

Dr. Ben Sobol: You know normally a patient wouldn't have a vat of Scotch during a session.

Primo: Get a dictionary. Find out what this "closure" thing is. If that's what he's going to hit us with, I want to be ready.

Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, I got news for you, you little two-bit prick, son-of-a-bitch, rat-bastard you did nothing for me! Whatever you did the other day didn't take! I'm still fucked up! You did fucking NOTHING for me!

Dr. Ben Sobol: You know what I do when I'm angry? I hit a pillow.
[Vitti pulls out a gun and shoots a pillow]
Dr. Ben Sobol: Feel better?
Boss Paul Vitti: Yeah, I do.

[Impersonating a gangster]
Dr. Ben Sobol: My name is Ben Sobel...-lioni. Ben Sobellioni. I'm also known as, uh, Benny the Groin, Sammy the Schnazz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once as Miss Phyllis Levine.

Dr. Ben Sobel: You broke my heart, Jelly, you broke my heart.

Boss Paul Vitti: I had problems getting it up.
Dr. Ben Sobel: You mean in a sexual way?
Boss Paul Vitti: No. For the big game against Michigan State!

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