Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
Ace Ventura: Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace Ventura: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.
Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of
my personal affairs.
Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!
Mrs. Finkle: If he had held the ball laces out like he's supposed to, Ray would
never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell!
Ace Ventura: I have a package for you, sir.
Man: Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura: Most likely; I bet it was something nice, though!
Ace Ventura: Yo, Ron! Where's the bathroom?
Ronald Camp: Right over there.
Ace Ventura: [groaning] I think it's the pate. Stuff probably looks better on
the way out!
Ronald Camp: I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace.
Ace Ventura: See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura, now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case
the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and become insanely jealous. Then I'd
lose 40 pounds... PORKIN' his wife!
[Ace Ventura is trying to get his car started, while looking at somebody
smashing it with a bat in his mirror]
Ace Ventura: Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!
[Ace Ventura just got his car started]
Ace Ventura: It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE!
Ace Ventura: I just visited Ray Finkle's place.
Ace Ventura: Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter.
Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory
didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
Ace Ventura: Oh yeah? And you're ugly.
Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you
for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911?
All righty then.
Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.
Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[A shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head.]
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air.]
Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker graduated from Cauler high June 1976, Stetson
University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA division 1 records one
for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The
Mule," The first and only pro athlete to come out of Cauler County and one
hell of a model American.
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace Ventura: No Sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan, This is my Graceland.
Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone!
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I
[Ventura knocks on the door]
Woodstock: What's the password?
Ace Ventura: New England clam chowder.
Woodstock: Is that the red or the white?
Ace Ventura: Ah, I can never remember that. White.
Ace Ventura: Yes!
Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this
mornin' scratchin' around.
Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah. What's all this pet food for?
Ace Ventura: Fiber.
Melissa: Ace, Where are you?
Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.
[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head.]
Ace Ventura: [begging] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him,
he's the one you want!
Dan Marino: No, no kill him!
Ace Ventura: No kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air.]
Dan Marino: Whimp.
Ace Ventura: Jock.
Dan Marino: Cry-baby.
Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.
Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP!!!
Ace Ventura: [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 29.6, rounded off to the
....nearest decimal point. We've...traveled back in time to save an ancient
species from....total annihilation. SO FAR...no...signs of aquatic life
anywhere, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another
black hole, I'm going to find it. I've.....GOT TO, MISTER!!!
Ace Ventura: [with a German accent] How can I be getting zis vork done mit all
Reporters: Who's That?
Ace Ventura: Heinskitz Velvet! You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me.
Reporter: What happened to the other trainer?
Ace Ventura: Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me?! Seven years I am mit
Siegfried. (He holds up only four fingers) Ve are making de dolphins disappear,
und den Roy is coming mit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm
Second Reporter: [Skeptically] Where is Snowflake?
Ace Ventura: Why do you care about de dolphin? Do you know him? Does he call you
at home? DO YOU HAVE A DORSAL FIN?!
Roger Podacter: Let's got to that conference and let, uh, Heinz do his work?
Ace Ventura: [Shooing reporters] Go to de conference, go to it!
Ace Ventura: There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream
on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the
apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door
before he left.
[Ace Ventura, bending over and talking from his behind]
Ace Ventura: Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Banaca?
Ace Ventura: I have exorcised the demons!
Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure!
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.
Ace Ventura: [bending over and talking from his behind] Excuse me, may I... ASS
you a few questions?
Cop: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn catches me talking to you or your ass
I'm gonna be in trouble.
Ace Ventura: [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew...now I feel better. 'Course, that might not
do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been
taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a
triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates,
has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage.
But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your
attention to detail.
[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday!
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Ace Ventura: Engine won't start. We'll just let her cool off for a while.
[suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the back windshield with a baseball
Ace Ventura: Or we could try it now.